How you can tell if you're depressed.

I literally just lost all motivation to do anything.

To an extent, I kind of want to go back to Whalen and play my trombone, or I just want someone to tell me that "Hey, you sound pretty nice on that!"

And I kind of want someone to honestly tell me what they think of me. I'm tired of random douche bags telling me I'm pretty... well, I take that back. They're not random douche bags... in fact, they're not douche bags at all. I don't know why I just called them that. But like, I've been called pretty three times this week, which hits an all time new record. But like... I want, for once, to have just /one/ person, and have it be the same person, tell me that. And for the record, I don't know if those random people meant it or if they were being sarcastic.

I'm in one of those funks. Not the ones where I'm screaming and shouting "MY LIFE SUCKS EGGS" or wanting to jump off a cliff. Just... I feel down. Sad. Upset. I don't know why.

Maybe its because of said reason above.

Maybe I do want to jump off a cliff... and land in a pool of jello.

Or maybe its because I cut my finger today at work. I highly doubt that's the reason to be depressed... my boss let me take a bag of cereal back to my room.

Maybe I realized how depressing Someone to Watch of Me is.

Or maybe its just me being tired of liking people (like, crushes). I'm just... tired of falling and being lead into things that quite frankly, I don't want. I'm tired of relationships, tired of... well, men. Not that I was being lead on or anything... just tired of finding out that people I've liked or like found someone else. Not that I'm jealous. I just question why I'm able to sit around and let people just walk on by instead of trying to grab their hand.

Why can't I just be like every other college student and get drunk every weekend with no fail? Why am I that anti-social hermit that lives in the dorm and sits here drawing. Why do I have little confidence in myself and my abilities? Maybe its because I'm human and I can't do better, or maybe I just suck in general and don't want to admit it. I hope its not the latter.

So, all in all: I hate relationships, and I don't want to be in one for a very long time. I haven't been in one since the summer, and I've finally come to a realization of how much the freakin' suck and how much I don't want to be in one. Because, let's face it people, I will NEVER be that person that conforms to someone else. I kind of enjoy my freedom a little too much.


I don't know why I posted this here. I really don't. I guess I just need to vent.

I bet half of it doesn't even make sense.

There was something I finally got inspiration for... I'm off to do that now.