Its gotten to the point where I'm literally like... crying every couple of minutes.
I feel like I'm breaking... completely falling apart. I know where my goal is, and I want to be there so bad... I'm climbing so high, but I can feel my grip slipping. I'm so close to the top, I don't want to just slide on down to the bottom... and then an avalanche hits.
I literally just got off of a break that really didn't exist... and I'm still super stressed. I might take a sick day at some point... even though I can't really afford it.
I don't know what to do.
Maybe I'll finish what I'm doing and go to sleep...
and maybe I'll seek out some help tomorrow, because... I feel like that's what I need. My friends are great, but I think its finally time I seek out some professional help from someone. There are places here on campus that I can go to... maybe I'll spend my lesson tomorrow just talking about places I can go to. I don't know.
... I feel cold, but my face is hot. I'm like a giant, walking contradiction at the moment. I want to cry, but I don't. I want to go back home, but I can't because I want to stay at school.
Maybe this is an extreme case of being homesick.
Or maybe I really am suffering from depression.
I don't know.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Welp.
I failed sax.
I literally just want to cry right now.
I worked my BUTT off on my music and scales and things... and make sure that I passes. Of course, the moment I get into the room, my fingers don't touch the right keys and I mess up... and all that jazz. Fuck. My. Luck.
And I seriously want to believe that if there's a god, he fucking hates me. He gives me ONE day of good luck, and then strips it away from me in a matter of seconds. And I'm kind of sick of it. I just... I just want ONE good thing to happen to me. That's all I ask for. ONE thing. Stop giving me bad luck and shitty days. I'm tired of being sick, miserable, and grumpy all the time...
In the meantime, I have two other exams to study for.
And a paper.
And a binder.
And 5000000 other things.
All I ask for is a little sleep... and that's not going to happen at this rate.
I literally just want to cry right now.
I worked my BUTT off on my music and scales and things... and make sure that I passes. Of course, the moment I get into the room, my fingers don't touch the right keys and I mess up... and all that jazz. Fuck. My. Luck.
And I seriously want to believe that if there's a god, he fucking hates me. He gives me ONE day of good luck, and then strips it away from me in a matter of seconds. And I'm kind of sick of it. I just... I just want ONE good thing to happen to me. That's all I ask for. ONE thing. Stop giving me bad luck and shitty days. I'm tired of being sick, miserable, and grumpy all the time...
In the meantime, I have two other exams to study for.
And a paper.
And a binder.
And 5000000 other things.
All I ask for is a little sleep... and that's not going to happen at this rate.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
So I have a new thing to freak out about.
Because I did the math better this time around, I will be able to complete the 90 hours by Nov 30, thank god. But now, a new problem arises....
At this point in time, I really could care less if I fail the class. I'm kinda hoping that the professor will make a little leeway for me... seeing that its a FINAL on SAX after 7 WEEKS of playing the DAMN thing. And like, we're supposed to be able to play super high on an ALTO sax.... and super fast.
I'm a little worried, to be honest... because unlike REGULAR classes, his grading is bullshit. 25% of the grade goes towards the written final (which is tomorrow; I should probably study that). 75% of the rest of the grade is based on your PLAYING final.
WTF. Who grades like that?? So like, I could make ONE mistake on my playing exam and fail the class. But w/e. I have until tuesday to learn the material properly.
Anyways, on a slightly less stressed out note, I offered to do some sequential art for a piece that we are performing in Symphonic Band, which IF YOU WOULD LIKE, you are more than free to go to the Ithaca website and watch the livestreamed concert on... November... something. But, I'm illustrating some art for the well-known fable, The Tortoise and the Hare.
This is kinda my first time drawing a tortoise, let alone a hare... so this is going to be interesting. So far the doodle are pretty cute (I'm going to have rough drafts done by monday).
Why do I feel stressed out, but perfectly calm at the same time? It's very... unnerving.
And to top it all off, I think I'm either coming down with a head cold or I have a bad case of Fall Allergies... I'll figure it out. In the meantime, STUDYING FOR SAX.
At this point in time, I really could care less if I fail the class. I'm kinda hoping that the professor will make a little leeway for me... seeing that its a FINAL on SAX after 7 WEEKS of playing the DAMN thing. And like, we're supposed to be able to play super high on an ALTO sax.... and super fast.
I'm a little worried, to be honest... because unlike REGULAR classes, his grading is bullshit. 25% of the grade goes towards the written final (which is tomorrow; I should probably study that). 75% of the rest of the grade is based on your PLAYING final.
WTF. Who grades like that?? So like, I could make ONE mistake on my playing exam and fail the class. But w/e. I have until tuesday to learn the material properly.
Anyways, on a slightly less stressed out note, I offered to do some sequential art for a piece that we are performing in Symphonic Band, which IF YOU WOULD LIKE, you are more than free to go to the Ithaca website and watch the livestreamed concert on... November... something. But, I'm illustrating some art for the well-known fable, The Tortoise and the Hare.
This is kinda my first time drawing a tortoise, let alone a hare... so this is going to be interesting. So far the doodle are pretty cute (I'm going to have rough drafts done by monday).
Why do I feel stressed out, but perfectly calm at the same time? It's very... unnerving.
And to top it all off, I think I'm either coming down with a head cold or I have a bad case of Fall Allergies... I'll figure it out. In the meantime, STUDYING FOR SAX.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
=|
I keep on getting reminded of why I don't want to teach General Music Education (which is music for grades k-6). I just... its not something I want to do. Granted, if that's the only job opening there is, then I'll take it... but I don't want to teach it. I know it sounds stupid to just say "I'm here to study how to conduct a band", but its... what I want to do. Yes, I understand that there are some aspects of general music education in Band, but... asjdkfasd. Meh.
On a somewhat related topic, MidTerms are fast approaching, and I still need... 40 hours completed. Tuesdays and thursdays, from this point on, from 12-1, I am going to be sitting and observing Junior student teachers. On Saturdays, I sit from 9-12 watching the Suzuki program. Sometime in november, there is a choral event that I can observe, and that's... 5 hours I believe. Fall Break, I am going and getting at least 20 hours. So let's see... that's.... 11 + 15 + 20 + 20 = I should be fine. Even if its 11 + 15 + 19 + 16. Aaaaaugh. So yes. I must observe the Junior student teachers on thursday... that is my only hope DX
I'm trying to keep as much hope as I can. Its hard to see straight when you feel stressed out and when the world seems to be suffocating you.
Anyways, I'm going to go practice trombone... if I can find confidence again.
On a somewhat related topic, MidTerms are fast approaching, and I still need... 40 hours completed. Tuesdays and thursdays, from this point on, from 12-1, I am going to be sitting and observing Junior student teachers. On Saturdays, I sit from 9-12 watching the Suzuki program. Sometime in november, there is a choral event that I can observe, and that's... 5 hours I believe. Fall Break, I am going and getting at least 20 hours. So let's see... that's.... 11 + 15 + 20 + 20 = I should be fine. Even if its 11 + 15 + 19 + 16. Aaaaaugh. So yes. I must observe the Junior student teachers on thursday... that is my only hope DX
I'm trying to keep as much hope as I can. Its hard to see straight when you feel stressed out and when the world seems to be suffocating you.
Anyways, I'm going to go practice trombone... if I can find confidence again.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
How you can tell if you're depressed.
I literally just lost all motivation to do anything.
To an extent, I kind of want to go back to Whalen and play my trombone, or I just want someone to tell me that "Hey, you sound pretty nice on that!"
And I kind of want someone to honestly tell me what they think of me. I'm tired of random douche bags telling me I'm pretty... well, I take that back. They're not random douche bags... in fact, they're not douche bags at all. I don't know why I just called them that. But like, I've been called pretty three times this week, which hits an all time new record. But like... I want, for once, to have just /one/ person, and have it be the same person, tell me that. And for the record, I don't know if those random people meant it or if they were being sarcastic.
I'm in one of those funks. Not the ones where I'm screaming and shouting "MY LIFE SUCKS EGGS" or wanting to jump off a cliff. Just... I feel down. Sad. Upset. I don't know why.
Maybe its because of said reason above.
Maybe I do want to jump off a cliff... and land in a pool of jello.
Or maybe its because I cut my finger today at work. I highly doubt that's the reason to be depressed... my boss let me take a bag of cereal back to my room.
Maybe I realized how depressing Someone to Watch of Me is.
Or maybe its just me being tired of liking people (like, crushes). I'm just... tired of falling and being lead into things that quite frankly, I don't want. I'm tired of relationships, tired of... well, men. Not that I was being lead on or anything... just tired of finding out that people I've liked or like found someone else. Not that I'm jealous. I just question why I'm able to sit around and let people just walk on by instead of trying to grab their hand.
Why can't I just be like every other college student and get drunk every weekend with no fail? Why am I that anti-social hermit that lives in the dorm and sits here drawing. Why do I have little confidence in myself and my abilities? Maybe its because I'm human and I can't do better, or maybe I just suck in general and don't want to admit it. I hope its not the latter.
So, all in all: I hate relationships, and I don't want to be in one for a very long time. I haven't been in one since the summer, and I've finally come to a realization of how much the freakin' suck and how much I don't want to be in one. Because, let's face it people, I will NEVER be that person that conforms to someone else. I kind of enjoy my freedom a little too much.
I don't know why I posted this here. I really don't. I guess I just need to vent.
I bet half of it doesn't even make sense.
There was something I finally got inspiration for... I'm off to do that now.
To an extent, I kind of want to go back to Whalen and play my trombone, or I just want someone to tell me that "Hey, you sound pretty nice on that!"
And I kind of want someone to honestly tell me what they think of me. I'm tired of random douche bags telling me I'm pretty... well, I take that back. They're not random douche bags... in fact, they're not douche bags at all. I don't know why I just called them that. But like, I've been called pretty three times this week, which hits an all time new record. But like... I want, for once, to have just /one/ person, and have it be the same person, tell me that. And for the record, I don't know if those random people meant it or if they were being sarcastic.
I'm in one of those funks. Not the ones where I'm screaming and shouting "MY LIFE SUCKS EGGS" or wanting to jump off a cliff. Just... I feel down. Sad. Upset. I don't know why.
Maybe its because of said reason above.
Maybe I do want to jump off a cliff... and land in a pool of jello.
Or maybe its because I cut my finger today at work. I highly doubt that's the reason to be depressed... my boss let me take a bag of cereal back to my room.
Maybe I realized how depressing Someone to Watch of Me is.
Or maybe its just me being tired of liking people (like, crushes). I'm just... tired of falling and being lead into things that quite frankly, I don't want. I'm tired of relationships, tired of... well, men. Not that I was being lead on or anything... just tired of finding out that people I've liked or like found someone else. Not that I'm jealous. I just question why I'm able to sit around and let people just walk on by instead of trying to grab their hand.
Why can't I just be like every other college student and get drunk every weekend with no fail? Why am I that anti-social hermit that lives in the dorm and sits here drawing. Why do I have little confidence in myself and my abilities? Maybe its because I'm human and I can't do better, or maybe I just suck in general and don't want to admit it. I hope its not the latter.
So, all in all: I hate relationships, and I don't want to be in one for a very long time. I haven't been in one since the summer, and I've finally come to a realization of how much the freakin' suck and how much I don't want to be in one. Because, let's face it people, I will NEVER be that person that conforms to someone else. I kind of enjoy my freedom a little too much.
I don't know why I posted this here. I really don't. I guess I just need to vent.
I bet half of it doesn't even make sense.
There was something I finally got inspiration for... I'm off to do that now.
Insert Creative Title Here
Unless some miracle happens, I will not be updating either comic this weekend. I won't really be sitting in my dorm long enough to draw a full length comic page.
Big hopes for my friend MK, who's mother went into the hospital yesterday.
In that case, I might work on a few pictures for her... .,. She gave me some ideas yesterday, and I might do some extra things because her birthday is coming up. \o/
So anyways, I have to get back to paying attention to the Suzuki group. Not that I'm really paying attention. Oh the dangers of having a laptop out...
Big hopes for my friend MK, who's mother went into the hospital yesterday.
In that case, I might work on a few pictures for her... .,. She gave me some ideas yesterday, and I might do some extra things because her birthday is coming up. \o/
So anyways, I have to get back to paying attention to the Suzuki group. Not that I'm really paying attention. Oh the dangers of having a laptop out...
Monday, October 3, 2011
I updated my laptop!
Lion is gonna take a little while to get used to... I'm having a little too much fun creating multiple desktops :D
... but then I forget that I have a similar program open on another desktop...
...
I'll get used to it.
I'm hoping that there aren't any more significant changes XD I already flipped out that iCal and Mail were changed.
But this also means that I can have like, classnotes open on one screen, stories on another, and other stuff open on another :D This makes me happy.
Now all I need is photoshop, and then I'm all set.
Oh, and for ye Bionicle fans, I'm working on a new cover. AGAIN. (yes, I know: REALLY??? DX) Unless I get sick of what I have drawn so far, and restart again.
Its hard fitting more than 6 people on one cover.
I'm insane.
So like... yeah. This should be interesting.
I kinda don't want to start up on the Bionicle manga until I have photoshop... I dunno.
OH.
OH.
I think the heat's FINALLY on in my dorm :D YAY NO MORE SUFFERING IN THE COLD ||D This makes me a happy Nik.
This also makes me wish that I had more sweaters in my room. I only now realized how cold its going to get this year.
So my roommate told me that I need to draw uglier people. I've been working on different body types (half the reason why I don't really vary on body types is because a) Magyk don't need to eat to survive, so some of them are naturally skinny b) the Bionicle peeps are all like... super-magnificent, and the list of excuses goes on), but every time I try to draw a... less attractive male (because apparently, all my men are good looking), they come out too pretty. =|
Something to work on, I guess.
I might take up a challenge, and do like... Day 1: Stick thin girl. Day 2: Average male. Day 3: Native American male. Day 4: "The Geek". And so on.
If someone wants to do this with me, lemme know. We should create a list together :D
Also, I feel like my window lies. I look out my window and see my reflection, and I look skinner than I really am... because when I stand and look in the mirror, I see my tummy. (I do have low-self esteem and bad body image, but still. This is just me being confused XD) This also reminds me of something else that happened today, but I don't feel like typing it down. It involves me leaving my dorm room to go clean a mug, seeing a guy dressed nicely, asking him "Why are you dressed so nice?" and then him saying, "Why are you always so beautiful?" back to me.
I'm confused.
(/insert low self-esteem rant here)
I need a haircut.
... but then I forget that I have a similar program open on another desktop...
...
I'll get used to it.
I'm hoping that there aren't any more significant changes XD I already flipped out that iCal and Mail were changed.
But this also means that I can have like, classnotes open on one screen, stories on another, and other stuff open on another :D This makes me happy.
Now all I need is photoshop, and then I'm all set.
Oh, and for ye Bionicle fans, I'm working on a new cover. AGAIN. (yes, I know: REALLY??? DX) Unless I get sick of what I have drawn so far, and restart again.
Its hard fitting more than 6 people on one cover.
I'm insane.
So like... yeah. This should be interesting.
I kinda don't want to start up on the Bionicle manga until I have photoshop... I dunno.
OH.
OH.
I think the heat's FINALLY on in my dorm :D YAY NO MORE SUFFERING IN THE COLD ||D This makes me a happy Nik.
This also makes me wish that I had more sweaters in my room. I only now realized how cold its going to get this year.
So my roommate told me that I need to draw uglier people. I've been working on different body types (half the reason why I don't really vary on body types is because a) Magyk don't need to eat to survive, so some of them are naturally skinny b) the Bionicle peeps are all like... super-magnificent, and the list of excuses goes on), but every time I try to draw a... less attractive male (because apparently, all my men are good looking), they come out too pretty. =|
Something to work on, I guess.
I might take up a challenge, and do like... Day 1: Stick thin girl. Day 2: Average male. Day 3: Native American male. Day 4: "The Geek". And so on.
If someone wants to do this with me, lemme know. We should create a list together :D
Also, I feel like my window lies. I look out my window and see my reflection, and I look skinner than I really am... because when I stand and look in the mirror, I see my tummy. (I do have low-self esteem and bad body image, but still. This is just me being confused XD) This also reminds me of something else that happened today, but I don't feel like typing it down. It involves me leaving my dorm room to go clean a mug, seeing a guy dressed nicely, asking him "Why are you dressed so nice?" and then him saying, "Why are you always so beautiful?" back to me.
I'm confused.
(/insert low self-esteem rant here)
I need a haircut.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Ahahaha...
so as I'm working on my next page for the Always Darkest Before the Dawn manga, I got this sudden urge to draw Bionicle again.
Maybe I'll bring the manga back... I'm still refusing to go back to dA (yes, I'm a stubborn ass), but maybe I'll start posting it on smackjeeves again.
You know what that means, right?
THREE COMICS TO UPDATE :'D Who's gonna die? Me!
The only problem would be that... well, problems, really... are:
1) Inspiration is short.
2) I would update when I want to. No deadlines. Like my other two comics. XD
3) I'm not sure how much effort will go into the pages.
I guess this means that I'll go find that page I finished a while ago and scan it later.
... wait, did I even finish that page? .... ha. Looks like after I finish the manga page, I'll go look for it.
So, for all my Bionicle fans who have followed me here, you're more than welcome to say to people that "Oh my god, she might bring it back!!!"
I don't know what suddenly made me want to bring it back again.
Pfffft. I'm just an insane person.
Maybe if people pay me a $1, I'll post a comic page.
Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.... I mean, I have 62 fans that have favorited the comic... (soooo many fans DX Why is it that popular? I mean, I have like, so many other amazing friends who have drawn their versions of bionicle, why is it that my manga seems to be so popular? The writing isn't even that good.... and my character development sucks. Except for Tahu's. His is like, the only major development. I pick favorites.)
Anyways, off to finishing comics.
Maybe I'll bring the manga back... I'm still refusing to go back to dA (yes, I'm a stubborn ass), but maybe I'll start posting it on smackjeeves again.
You know what that means, right?
THREE COMICS TO UPDATE :'D Who's gonna die? Me!
The only problem would be that... well, problems, really... are:
1) Inspiration is short.
2) I would update when I want to. No deadlines. Like my other two comics. XD
3) I'm not sure how much effort will go into the pages.
I guess this means that I'll go find that page I finished a while ago and scan it later.
... wait, did I even finish that page? .... ha. Looks like after I finish the manga page, I'll go look for it.
So, for all my Bionicle fans who have followed me here, you're more than welcome to say to people that "Oh my god, she might bring it back!!!"
I don't know what suddenly made me want to bring it back again.
Pfffft. I'm just an insane person.
Maybe if people pay me a $1, I'll post a comic page.
Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.... I mean, I have 62 fans that have favorited the comic... (soooo many fans DX Why is it that popular? I mean, I have like, so many other amazing friends who have drawn their versions of bionicle, why is it that my manga seems to be so popular? The writing isn't even that good.... and my character development sucks. Except for Tahu's. His is like, the only major development. I pick favorites.)
Anyways, off to finishing comics.
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