It needs to be said.

I know I've been venting over the last few days, but this needs to be said.

Now.

Ahem...

No. I can't do this. I can't keep on telling people that I'm seeing someone and that I have to hurt them and deny them. Maybe that's life. And if it is? It fucking sucks. I don't like hurting people, not in the slightest. But I don't like the idea of being tied down by one sole person. Yes, I believe in dating; yes, I do believe in this funny thing called love. Its just... not my scene yet. I like writing romance stories and writing about others finding their one true soul mate... but I don't want to be there just yet. I don't like dating because it ties me down. I don't like it because I get put on the spot about what I'm afraid of, what I like, what my family is like, what I do for a living... I'm not ready to bring down my walls again.

I spent a month believing that there was a person was for me; he fed me everything I wanted to hear. That I was cute, funny, and a tad bit weird. That it made me interesting, something he wanted to get to know. But you know what? He ended up leading me on. He claimed it was because he was busy... and while part of me believes it, the other part screams and says he didn't want to be there because he was a) interested in someone else and I was the rebound and b) that I was the little play thing he could see in his bed every weekend, but deny him of sex.

The other reason why I don't want to date is because I think too much. I think WAAY too much of what could have been, what would have been, and what should have been. I rely heavily on others opinions... and if they don't add up to mine, I start to think. I am influenced by them, so if people don't approve, I start to reconsider. And its not /you/ that they are against, nor of the concept of me dating someone... its something that I can't grab a hold of.

I like being a free spirit, and pointing to the cute guys in magazines or in the store as they walk by. I mean, I guess you can do that when you're dating someone, but its not recommended. I guess this means I like being single. To be able to just... I don't know, relax without thinking about the prior. To worry about life and what I'm going to do next for the person I'm with... NO. Its not me!! I can't. I really don't... no, just... alsdfj. I like the way I am. I can't change that...

So, until the day that I am able to tell you this, and I highly doubt that you will see this (I bet, because I don't think you know that this exists, and if you do find this? Well... I'm sorry you read this before I'll be able to tell you)...

I like you, but, I can't. Its not you, its me. And I know that sounds cliche in all ways, but its a true statement. It goes without saying that I'm not ready. No, not ready for sex or any of that really extreme stuff... I'm not ready for anything. I guess I'm just like that guy who broke my trust. I'm sorry if I lead you on... because I didn't mean for it to be that way. I was honestly testing the waters, to see if I could do it. To see if I could reach out and grab your hand, smile at you without thinking "What if...", to just... be me.

Actually, lies. That is me.

But anyways, that's besides the point.

So, in other words, I'm sorry. I'm honest to god, truly sorry.

I just.... I want to go back to not worrying about being with someone again. Because that scares me. I want to go back to when I didn't have to worry about tripping and hurting someone... I just, I dislike telling people I'm not interested, and I dislike hurting people in general. So far, I've had to do that TWICE in the last two days, and its getting... a little bothersome.

I don't understand how this all started, and why all these guys are SUDDENLY coming up to me and telling me, "Are you seeing someone right now? Are you interested in going on a date with me?" or "You know, you're a cute person... and, uh, would you like to... you know... see me later?" It has NEVER happened before. I was talking to another friend of mine, and he told me that he couldn't remember a time when I guy WASN'T following me around.
WHAT THE HELL. Am I really that dense? To not realize when a guy likes me? But...

You know, I'm just a bitch.

I don't deserve you. And don't give me a speech saying that I'm not like that, and you see someone else entirely... I won't believe you. Trust me, I won't. You're the most down-to-earth, sweetest, nicest, and everything I'm looking for in a guy. Any girl would be lucky to date you and to be with you. And I'm a complete idiot for turning you away, especially since I do like you.

But I'm going back to what I said above: I'm a fucking bitch. I break hearts, mend hearts, and then run away.

I can smile and say that I'm really alright and that you don't need to worry, but you probably wouldn't believe me. You can smile and tell me that everything isn't as bad as I think it is, and that this thing called love really does exist. But at the moment, honestly? I just want to crawl back to where I was and sit there for a little while longer.

So I guess... in the end?

You deserve someone better than me. Someone who will treat you right... and I'm, again, an idiot for turning you away after all that you've done for me.
I'm probably going to feel like shit for the next few days after this, because I hate turning people down...


I'm sorry.