Not like anyone reads this anymore.

But that's okay. This doesn't really matter anyways.

I feel like my best friend is mad at me. And I don't know what I did wrong.

When I try to talk to her individually, she doesn't really talk to me. She talks to everyone else (and I love the others; they're really nice and friendly). But like... I miss talking to just her.

Le sigh.

Entropy

I totally just had to think about my password to google for a split second. But anyways...

so my friends were talking about this site that asked you these questions and stuff like that. I don't exactly know if it is directed at those with synesthesia, but I still took it.

The results are FREAKY, because mine sounds exactly like me...

http://www.hypnoid.com/EM_entropy/ That's the link, if you want to take it.

Here are my results:


You feel both a sense that your problems are causing you stress and that these problems may be insurmountable, or at least that you are probably not likely to be able to solve them through shear force of will. You have the ability to emotionally and physically connect with others, which is often a release for your feelings of helplessness.

 You are somewhat unstable, and you tend to blame your problems on others and on circumstances that are beyond your control. Although you greatly desire to make a good impression and to be known and respected by others, you are very easily frustrated from your goals and will very quickly devolve into a feeling of helplessness in the face of frustration. The idea of failing is often so frightening to you that the fear itself will often lead to failure. After stress has left you to pick up the pieces, you will often feel victimized by forces around you. It would be helpful to take responsibility for your actions.

---

uhm. Just uuuuhhhhmmmmm....

So I got thinking.

Okay, so... I had the guy that I've been talking about come over my room tonight. I've literally been seeing him the past few nights, some by coincidence, others because he wanted my gummy worms. But I guess that gives him an excuse to come see me... right? ... maybe?

Anyways, that's not the point.

So, the last few times he's seen me, there has always been something that made me look socially awkward or something set me off.

So, I will go into a whole back story of why I'm so socially awkward and so... low on self esteem.

I was that girl in grade school.
No, not the slut. No, not the bookworm.... you know, the music geek. The one who sat in the corner reading manga (mostly just in 5-8th grade). The one who drew anime for a while, and then changed her style, but it was still seen as anime. The girl who wasn't skinny as fuck. The non-athletic girl.

You know, the one who made her "flaws" obvious.

Nothing really bothered me until Middle School really, when two of my closest friends got into a fight, and I felt like I was being dragged into choosing sides.

Middle School was also the time where I became aware that my parents were fighting about marriage. They're still together to this day, but it made things like this really rough and... made me emotionally unstable. I had my first mental break down in 7th grade, and I had no idea what was wrong, other than I knew I was losing my mind, and I had no idea how to get back.

But really? Nothing was bad until I reached high school. Ooooh boy.

First day of school: I used to carry around this big, thick portfolio thingy with me, and it had all my drawings and references in it. Me, being shy, I kind of walked into the school with my face buried in this portfolio. And then... either I tripped or something, but I dropped the portfolio, and all of its contents went shooting out of it across the floor. On my first day of HIGH SCHOOL. Innocent freshman. I had none of my friends nearby, and my older brother walked right on by. So, with my face beet red, I picked up all my papers as fast as I could, and ran off to my first class.

No one helped me that day, and I'm glad no one remembered it but me.

But anyways.

The PingPong Ball: Funny how all these things happen as a freshman... but anyways. So, I was walking to the cafeteria in my school, and these guys were joking around in the hallway. I walked through a doorway, and one of the guys started backing up into me (like, he didn't see me). As a quick side note: I usually find it rude to walk through a group of people while they're having a conversation. Ahem. So yeah, I tried not to get hit by the guy backing up into me, so I ended up running into the wall to my right and sliding right past the dude. Though, this action of trying to avoid him probably pissed him off, because he threw a ping pong ball at the back of my head and shouted, "Watch where you're going, fatty!"

Yeah, self-confidence: -1.

More avoiding being hit by people: So, I was trying to get to class (History, actually XD), and I, again, was trying to avoid bumping into people. But, I narrowly missed hitting someone, and I got yelled at by this guy: "Watch it, fat, ugly chick!"

Self-confidence: -100.

So, I made it my goal to not eat from that point on. Rather than gaining the freshman 15, I lost 15. And then proceeded  to put it back on, just because I was growing and stuff.

But yeah, there are other stories, such as...

Liking your best friend (male), and knowing that he liked you too. This happened Junior year, after I had broken up with my boyfriend at the time. And like, I liked this guy for a while, and I knew he liked me too. We would always hang out with each other, during and after school. So like... there was a lot of flirting. And a bunch of other stories that go along with this, but I won't bother. So anyways, his best friend's girlfriend is REALLY pretty. I recall this one time that the three of us (Myself, Guy and Girlfriend of best friend) were at the mall once, and while I was sitting there, guy goes "Your boyfriend is really lucky to have you." Girl replies with a question. He answers "Because you're hot."


Blow to the self-esteem: Critical condition.

Story continues. G.F tells me, a few days later that she thinks she likes Guy, knowing that I liked him for a LONG time. I told her that it would be wrong of her to break up with B.F, just for the Guy. So, Girlfriend and Best Friend break up. Two days later? You can guess.

Esteem plumets: Below Sea-Level.



I find myself looking back at my days in High School. The only people that asked me to go to prom were my ex (my sophomore year), and then one of my close friends, because she wanted revenge on her ex for breaking up with her. Oh, and this one other kid, but I honestly didn't have the money nor motivation to go to Prom for a third time (I felt bad turning him down, but I wasn't interested in him either).

The one guy who had the balls to ask me out I turned down because my parents didn't like him and I was scared of dating (I was a freshman when he asked me out). He had (and still does) have low self-esteem, and I feel like he blames me, to this day, for not being able to get a girlfriend.

But other than that? No one bothered to look at me. I wasn't that girl in high school who was so open to guys.
All the guys in my school, other than my friends, were douches anyways.

But I look at their photos: they're all throwing parties and getting drunk and shit like that. I question: why wasn't I ever invited to those parties? Was it because I didn't have a facebook until senior year?

I will never know the answer to that, but I'm thankful I'm not like that. I don't want to be a biddy.





So yeah. There are reasons why I have such low self-confidence.

Its taken me years just to break out of that shell again.

Not to say that a few things in college put me back into that shell...


So.


Now we know why I get super sensitive when people call me fat. High school, and because my dad is a exercise dude (and now my mom is too).

Now we all understand why I get so flustered when someone calls me cute or pretty.

Now we know why I can't take a compliment.






And that's my rant for the day.

Have I mentioned...

That I'm a nervous wreck?

That I'm weird and a tad bit psycho?

That I shake when I get extremely nervous?

That I sweat when I'm nervous?

That I bruise easily?

That I end up crying for no good reason sometimes?

That I'm unbelievably weird?

Not yet, but you are slowly learning this.





That, and I can't spell the word bruise or anything correctly at the moment. I should have left all my typos.

Orly.

So apparently Connecticut is planning to put the American flag at half-mast for Whitney Houston's death.

My first reaction: what.

Why are we lowering our flag for a pop star? It doesn't make sense to me.

My second reaction: WHAT.

So, in a time of conflict, tons of people are risking their lives for this country, and we are "honoring" a pop star.

My third reaction: aSFDHKLDSHFAK.

So, in addition to this not making sense, and the fact that we are honoring the life of a fucking POP star, our government is spending time debating whether they are going to lower a fucking flag or not INSTEAD of trying to come up with ways to fix our government?

Idiots.

That's what they are.

My conclusion is that if we are going to honor the death of a pop star, who may have been a perfectly fine influence to MANY other musicians and pop stars out there, we might as well honor the deaths of everyone in the world. Its a bit of a slap to the face when your government decides that it is perfectly okay to lower a national symbol to a pop star who had no influence to the world around her, other than the musical world.
I mean, I'm a little biased. I might be coming off as stupid or something... but unless someone can convince me that she deserves to have a flag lowered for her, then maybe I'll change my opinion.


On a completely different note, my tummy has been upset since Saturday (2/11). It won't stop getting upset; its a little disconcerting. I know I don't have a stomach bug because this has happened before, but it lasted for two weeks.

I'm going to tread lightly and continue drinking a lot of fluids.

I also bought a new sweater today because it was cold and rainy... and I was cold.


---

Oh, so a new idea that came into mind today as I was eating dinner.

Maybe the guy I like/made out with is sick. And maybe that's why it was a maybe.

I don't know.

Meh.

I'm not venting today!

But instead just going on about how I'm going to make a short coming about my love life.

I got this really interesting idea while attending a concert tonight... I think I might actually start it.

For the hell of it.


Look look! I updated my page again! At least the layout of it.

I have no stories that are worth sharing tonight.

I will also conclude this lame excuse for an update with a message from our sponsors:


You may regret what you've done in the past, but its at least helped you grow. (Right?)

Ohohoho, look? More venting!

Is it really a bad thing to become attached to someone after kissing them once?

Is it also a bad thing to absolutely hate them at the same time for telling you that they want to live the college experience first, and that being single on Valentine's Day totally sucks, even though he told you that he's willing to try things out with you?
Or even better, that when you ask him to go to dinner with you, and he gives you a maybe, and then you tell him to get back to you when he has a definite answer, that you end up getting totally pissed that he claims that he has no one?

Fuck man, I invited you to dinner, mostly because you still wanted to treat things like a pre-date state.  Maybe it was my fault for making it sound like a casual meet. I don't know.

But congrats, man, you made it onto my blog. It takes a lot to do that.

But the next time you make out with a girl, hold her hand, and then kiss her goodnight, you might want to think twice. Or maybe when you grow up a bit, then you can come back to me.

Maybe I'll give you a burned waffle the next time I see you at my waffle station.

... no, I'm not that mean. I'll just treat you like every other student I've met.



Anyways, this rant today is brought to you by the word: Confusion.

Because fuck, I'm confused.

Sponsored by: Over it.

Eh, as weird as it sounds, I'm not going to let this get in my way. I might try again, but I don't want to end up getting fucking used again by some asshole who thinks he can walk all over me. I'll see what happens if I invite him to a party; if he agrees then I have two things to think about. If he denies, then he's clearly not interested.

But hey, I still have that other guy I'm interested in. Its a matter of trying to get to talk to him without sounding like a complete idiot in front of him. (i.e. "Are you going to get food without a plate?" (said at the dining hall as he was peeking to see what was for the main dish) or something that involved a bathroom as he was waiting in line...)

Seems ironic that I'm complaining about guys on Valentine's day, doesn't it? Well, really, it has nothing to do with that. See, my thing about this so called "day for lovers" is that its completely commercialized. I mean, most of my belief might come from the fact that I've always been single on this "holiday", but still.
Whether or not I will be single on this day, it doesn't matter. This ONE day shouldn't be the day to show so much affection towards your significant other. Shouldn't we always do that? Everyday? Why does this one day mean so much. What is so freaking important about today?

What ever, this is my perspective on it.

In other words: My conclusion? Its just been another day. It has been no different than the other days of the year so far, nor does it have any impact on the rest of the year. At least for me. So while people are complaining of being single or snogging the faces of their partners off, I will continue to be myself and not worry about the small things in life.


Now if you don't mind, I'm going back to play some bejeweled on Facebook because I can, and I'm super awesome at it. For now.

I just need to vent again.

Its not a bad vent (I think), its more me liking a guy and me knowing that he won't ever share the same feelings in return. It kinda sucks, but... whateves. Can't dwell on things you can't have, right?

Anyways, so... I went out to a party last night, mostly to celebrate a job well done for someone's recital. Said guy, who I had a crush on (he's the guy that sent me the whole strand of text messages asking me to get him lunch XD If you have no idea what I'm talking about, read a couple of posts back. You'll see it), offered me a drink (a bitch drink), and I took it. The following conversation went as follows (for privacy reasons, I will call him J):

Me: (enters party with some friends; finds J and congratulates him and says hi) Hey J :D
J: OH MY GOD. You're here :D (I don't go to parties often XD He gets excited when I go to them. It proves that I'm not a hermit) Hey, you want a drink?
Me: Eeeeehh....
J: Oh, come on. It's a bitch drink.
Me: A what? o_o
J: (laughs and rolls his eyes) Follow me. (he brings me to his room and opens a small fridge and pulls out this bottle of Seagram's Breeze or whatnot? I forget what it was called XD all I know is that it was Seagram's, and it was pink) Its mostly juice and like, 0% alcohol. And its a twisty top.
Me: Eeeeh... (nervous XD)
J: (he pulls the top off and hands it to me) Enjoy. :) (and walks off)

So yeah, I ended up drinking the entire thing and not feeling a thing at all. It wasn't half bad, but hey. But when I finished it, I showed J the bottle, and he was like "YAY" :D I'm known as the non-drinker in my studio (and a lot of people know that). When I told people that I finished a beverage, they were like "HOLY SHIT. WHERE WAS I WHEN THIS HAPPENED." I just found it funny. I still do.

ANYWAYS, this was not what I wanted to rant about.

So like, the guy I like, is like... super. Super. Attractive. And it sucks, because attractive people... have attractive friends. Attractive people only like their attractive friends. And their attractive friends have more attractive friends that your attractive crush will like. And get their numbers from.

Needless to say, I'm out of my league in trying to talk to this guy. Now, before you think that I'm that creepy stalker person that watches their crush from a corner, I have talked to him. I'd like to say we're acquaintances, but I'd rather be friends. Oh well.

So back to this party. Right at the beginning, I bumped into the guy I like (let's call him B), and he was in a closet looking for cups. I offered to hold his beer, since he was holding it in his mouth, but he insisted that he was fine. I forget what I was saying to him, but at some point he touched my back. But w/e. Night goes on. Talked to friends, spoke to the guy I liked in the beginning of the year both this year and last year (but he's taken, but I'll call him M).

I ended up getting too clusterphobic and I had to remove myself from the crowd; I went to the second floor (which has a banister that looks over the living/tv room, where the party was being held), and so I just stood up there and did some people-watching. Kind of. I spent the majority of my time zoning out. At some point, B looked up at me (he was wearing a sombrero... I have no idea why. But it was entertaining to watch people try to knock it off of his head); he smiled and waved at me, and then went back to talking to friends. OF course, I smiled and waved back at him (though to be perfectly honest, I think my expression was a cross between "Why are you looking at me?" and "Pfffft"). This happened a couple of times, and after one of the times, he left the area that I could see, towards the direction that the stairs were in. Part of me was hoping that he was going to come upstairs and talk to me, but the other half of me was like "Keep dreaming."

And then M saw me, and had this look of "Why are you up there?" and I just waved at him. He gave me the "One second" gesture and started to leave the area, leaving in the same direction that B did. At least I knew that one guy was going to come up and talk to me.
At SOME point, J came upstairs, I think to make sure that there wasn't anybody getting sick or having sex in one of the bedrooms. And then he came over and talked to me for a bit to make sure that I was alright (because I was standing upstairs alone and zoning out XD That, and he wasn't sure how good my tolerance was), and I insisted that I was fine.

In the back of my mind, I wanted him to ask me if I could have another drink, and I wanted to say that I would take a drink, if he would kiss me. Oh, the desperate side of me wanted attention sooooo bad, and it liked the fact that J was paying some attention to it. WHY MUST J BE ATTRACTIVE AS WELL. ... why must I like the guys that are either taken or way out of my league? Goddammit.

Anyways. Now that I have actually said that aloud. Back to the story.

So J leaves with some biddies, and M eventually comes upstairs. First thing he does? He comes walking over to me and stands freakishly close and decided to check up on me to see how I was doing. I told him I was people-watching, and keeping an eye on my friends. (Though I'm pretty sure that B thought I was staring at him from up on the banister, which isn't true). We started talking a little bit more when some girls came walking up and entered a room, and B was following as well.

Part of me wanted to scream right then and there, because like... I like B, and I would like M but he has a girlfriend. And J is out of my league as well. Goddammit.
And like... I don't know if B was coming upstairs to talk to me or not. If he was, then seeing M standing close to me would have set the wrong picture. If he wasn't then he was going into the room that all those girls were going into (well, there were a couple of guys. People had been going in and out of that room; I think it was just a place to sit and chill). B ended up giving me a smile and following the girls into the room, and M followed them.

I still wanted to scream, because I KNEW that was going to happen. I knew that he moment that M came up to talk to me, Karma would be a bitch and bring B up as well.

But I don't need to worry; neither of them like me that way anyways \o/ . Time to move on.

So yeah, how do I know this? Well, not once did he actually go out of his way to talk to me, where I kind of tried to. He's admitted to not liking anyone about a month ago (at the last party I went to), and he was off talking to other girls. That were attractive. And really pretty.

My problem is that I'm not a biddy. I don't go to parties and drink a shit ton, or dress like a slut or wear 5 inch heels. I don't just waltz up to an attractive guy and make out with them on the spot; I don't like grinding because I find it uncomfortable and an invasion of property. Taking one drink and going to parties is already stepping out of my comfort zone a lot; despite what people think, I'm a quite person that enjoys my alone time. And this is why people think I'm a hermit. I will not do anything else to try and impress someone that won't like me back, because I'm not fucking like that.
So why can't I just give up and admit defeat? Because I'm too goddamn proud to say so. Never in my entire life have I EVER wanted to pour my heart out to someone like that. Again.
The last time I did that? The last time I stepped out of my comfort zone, left a party with a guy I liked? He brought me to his house, and wanted to fuck me. And he wasn't even drinking. And then, everytime we were together? I'd tell him the same thing over and over again: I wouldn't have sex with him because I haven't had those HPV shot things, I'm not on birth control, and because we weren't actually officially dating. He, while being in the mood, told me that if I had sex with him, he would say that we were dating... and I found that an incredibly sleezy thing to do. I should have told him to drive me back to my dorm room that night and never invited him to meet my roommate.

And what do you know? Denying someone too many times gets yourself dumped in the middle of a parking lot. And left there.

... I need to stop assuming that it'll happen again. I just don't want to be fucking hurt again and denied. Rather, rejected.

I'm not screaming to the world claiming that I want my prince charming, because whenever he rears his face, I'll run towards it and never let go.

Part of me wishes I were a little more outgoing and not so reserved.

I still like this guy too. And its killing me. I just want this crush to be done and over with... I want it to pass, and I'm scared that it won't pass. It doesn't help that I see him every single day. It doesn't help that he smiles and says hello to me everyday. It doesn't help that I take every little action out of context, and then I have to remind myself that its just a friendly action.

It also doesn't help that some people think I'm a lesbian because I don't "act" like how girls are supposed to act. Nor do I wear the most girly of clothing or dress like a fucking slut in the middle of winter when its freezing cold outside.

Eh.

Its not the end of the world.

I'm going to go do some homework.

Who needs to update this thing anyways?

I don't XD

I just had Dr. Pepper spill all over a new sketch book, a new book I bought the other day and started reading, two pictures MK drew for me, and my laptop.

So, not only do I feel like shit for having a dark colored soda spill over pictures a friend drew me, but now I can't finish what I was sketching originally because the cover to my sketchbook is wet and I don't want to risk having the papers get wet.
As for my book? I currently have paper towel sheets sitting between pages to prevent the pages from sticking as it dries... though, now there will probably be a problem with getting the paper towel out. Didn't think about that...

My laptop is fine, on the other hand. Thank god it was closed and it had a case... otherwise I would be in deep shit.

Currently, anything with paper is sitting under the radiator in my basement. Except for the two pictures, which are nestled under some more paper towel. With VHS tapes sitting on top of it.

My new sketchbook is like... it was $16 at Michael's, and it looks like an old leather book (ish). I'm gonna use it for when I want to do short comics (Magyk); AU shorts, Notes (which are things written when MK and I aren't RPing. It usually just happens between our specific characters rather than each others), and Flashbacks. They're just block comics, rather than actual paneled comics. Some might not have text...

So now I'm just... writing stuff into a blog that no one reads \o/ And waiting for the heat to turn on to dry off my books. I want to finish reading that book, dammit. I'm about 70 pages in after one day, don't stop me BC (the problem is, if I continue reading it now, I'll rip the pages). The entire SIDE of the book got drenched in Dr. Pepper, and only the first... 10 pages or so got soaked through.

Stupid heat won't turn on.

...

anyways. What can I talk about?

Oh, my dad bought a 65" Plasma screen TV the other day to replace the old 50" one we had. Originally, we were just going to replace the old one that decided to break randomly, something a little cheaper, no 3D... y'know, things like that? I mean, my dad already has Google TV, a Blu-ray player, a Bose sound system with DVD/FM/AM/CD/AUX player.... but noooo, he bought a 65" tv.

I kinda have to ask where all this money comes from...

I guess I'll spend some time writing stories now, or work on that 100 Themes writing prompt thing I started like, last year... (which reminds me, I still have 100 Themes for art to do, don't I? XD I'm stuck on Atonement. I might change that word... OH WAIT. I think I thought of something. I'll have to scribble it down later)

Oscar goes in for a check up tomorrow... I'm actually hoping that tonight he poops in my sink so that we can bring it in to the vet to have checked (because he has on and off diarrhea, and its concerning me). The only other thing is that he's probably going to have to be manhandled in order to check on, because he can get quite vicious if he's touched the wrong way.
Which still doesn't explain why he bit my ass the other night... or attacked me while I was brushing my teeth.
I swear to god he's trying to kill me, and Nala can't fend him off for me ;^;


... well, now I'm bored. I think I'm going to go write some stories in the meantime.

OFF I GO.