So I got thinking.

Okay, so... I had the guy that I've been talking about come over my room tonight. I've literally been seeing him the past few nights, some by coincidence, others because he wanted my gummy worms. But I guess that gives him an excuse to come see me... right? ... maybe?

Anyways, that's not the point.

So, the last few times he's seen me, there has always been something that made me look socially awkward or something set me off.

So, I will go into a whole back story of why I'm so socially awkward and so... low on self esteem.

I was that girl in grade school.
No, not the slut. No, not the bookworm.... you know, the music geek. The one who sat in the corner reading manga (mostly just in 5-8th grade). The one who drew anime for a while, and then changed her style, but it was still seen as anime. The girl who wasn't skinny as fuck. The non-athletic girl.

You know, the one who made her "flaws" obvious.

Nothing really bothered me until Middle School really, when two of my closest friends got into a fight, and I felt like I was being dragged into choosing sides.

Middle School was also the time where I became aware that my parents were fighting about marriage. They're still together to this day, but it made things like this really rough and... made me emotionally unstable. I had my first mental break down in 7th grade, and I had no idea what was wrong, other than I knew I was losing my mind, and I had no idea how to get back.

But really? Nothing was bad until I reached high school. Ooooh boy.

First day of school: I used to carry around this big, thick portfolio thingy with me, and it had all my drawings and references in it. Me, being shy, I kind of walked into the school with my face buried in this portfolio. And then... either I tripped or something, but I dropped the portfolio, and all of its contents went shooting out of it across the floor. On my first day of HIGH SCHOOL. Innocent freshman. I had none of my friends nearby, and my older brother walked right on by. So, with my face beet red, I picked up all my papers as fast as I could, and ran off to my first class.

No one helped me that day, and I'm glad no one remembered it but me.

But anyways.

The PingPong Ball: Funny how all these things happen as a freshman... but anyways. So, I was walking to the cafeteria in my school, and these guys were joking around in the hallway. I walked through a doorway, and one of the guys started backing up into me (like, he didn't see me). As a quick side note: I usually find it rude to walk through a group of people while they're having a conversation. Ahem. So yeah, I tried not to get hit by the guy backing up into me, so I ended up running into the wall to my right and sliding right past the dude. Though, this action of trying to avoid him probably pissed him off, because he threw a ping pong ball at the back of my head and shouted, "Watch where you're going, fatty!"

Yeah, self-confidence: -1.

More avoiding being hit by people: So, I was trying to get to class (History, actually XD), and I, again, was trying to avoid bumping into people. But, I narrowly missed hitting someone, and I got yelled at by this guy: "Watch it, fat, ugly chick!"

Self-confidence: -100.

So, I made it my goal to not eat from that point on. Rather than gaining the freshman 15, I lost 15. And then proceeded  to put it back on, just because I was growing and stuff.

But yeah, there are other stories, such as...

Liking your best friend (male), and knowing that he liked you too. This happened Junior year, after I had broken up with my boyfriend at the time. And like, I liked this guy for a while, and I knew he liked me too. We would always hang out with each other, during and after school. So like... there was a lot of flirting. And a bunch of other stories that go along with this, but I won't bother. So anyways, his best friend's girlfriend is REALLY pretty. I recall this one time that the three of us (Myself, Guy and Girlfriend of best friend) were at the mall once, and while I was sitting there, guy goes "Your boyfriend is really lucky to have you." Girl replies with a question. He answers "Because you're hot."


Blow to the self-esteem: Critical condition.

Story continues. G.F tells me, a few days later that she thinks she likes Guy, knowing that I liked him for a LONG time. I told her that it would be wrong of her to break up with B.F, just for the Guy. So, Girlfriend and Best Friend break up. Two days later? You can guess.

Esteem plumets: Below Sea-Level.



I find myself looking back at my days in High School. The only people that asked me to go to prom were my ex (my sophomore year), and then one of my close friends, because she wanted revenge on her ex for breaking up with her. Oh, and this one other kid, but I honestly didn't have the money nor motivation to go to Prom for a third time (I felt bad turning him down, but I wasn't interested in him either).

The one guy who had the balls to ask me out I turned down because my parents didn't like him and I was scared of dating (I was a freshman when he asked me out). He had (and still does) have low self-esteem, and I feel like he blames me, to this day, for not being able to get a girlfriend.

But other than that? No one bothered to look at me. I wasn't that girl in high school who was so open to guys.
All the guys in my school, other than my friends, were douches anyways.

But I look at their photos: they're all throwing parties and getting drunk and shit like that. I question: why wasn't I ever invited to those parties? Was it because I didn't have a facebook until senior year?

I will never know the answer to that, but I'm thankful I'm not like that. I don't want to be a biddy.





So yeah. There are reasons why I have such low self-confidence.

Its taken me years just to break out of that shell again.

Not to say that a few things in college put me back into that shell...


So.


Now we know why I get super sensitive when people call me fat. High school, and because my dad is a exercise dude (and now my mom is too).

Now we all understand why I get so flustered when someone calls me cute or pretty.

Now we know why I can't take a compliment.






And that's my rant for the day.

Have I mentioned...

That I'm a nervous wreck?

That I'm weird and a tad bit psycho?

That I shake when I get extremely nervous?

That I sweat when I'm nervous?

That I bruise easily?

That I end up crying for no good reason sometimes?

That I'm unbelievably weird?

Not yet, but you are slowly learning this.





That, and I can't spell the word bruise or anything correctly at the moment. I should have left all my typos.