I just need to vent again.

Its not a bad vent (I think), its more me liking a guy and me knowing that he won't ever share the same feelings in return. It kinda sucks, but... whateves. Can't dwell on things you can't have, right?

Anyways, so... I went out to a party last night, mostly to celebrate a job well done for someone's recital. Said guy, who I had a crush on (he's the guy that sent me the whole strand of text messages asking me to get him lunch XD If you have no idea what I'm talking about, read a couple of posts back. You'll see it), offered me a drink (a bitch drink), and I took it. The following conversation went as follows (for privacy reasons, I will call him J):

Me: (enters party with some friends; finds J and congratulates him and says hi) Hey J :D
J: OH MY GOD. You're here :D (I don't go to parties often XD He gets excited when I go to them. It proves that I'm not a hermit) Hey, you want a drink?
Me: Eeeeehh....
J: Oh, come on. It's a bitch drink.
Me: A what? o_o
J: (laughs and rolls his eyes) Follow me. (he brings me to his room and opens a small fridge and pulls out this bottle of Seagram's Breeze or whatnot? I forget what it was called XD all I know is that it was Seagram's, and it was pink) Its mostly juice and like, 0% alcohol. And its a twisty top.
Me: Eeeeh... (nervous XD)
J: (he pulls the top off and hands it to me) Enjoy. :) (and walks off)

So yeah, I ended up drinking the entire thing and not feeling a thing at all. It wasn't half bad, but hey. But when I finished it, I showed J the bottle, and he was like "YAY" :D I'm known as the non-drinker in my studio (and a lot of people know that). When I told people that I finished a beverage, they were like "HOLY SHIT. WHERE WAS I WHEN THIS HAPPENED." I just found it funny. I still do.

ANYWAYS, this was not what I wanted to rant about.

So like, the guy I like, is like... super. Super. Attractive. And it sucks, because attractive people... have attractive friends. Attractive people only like their attractive friends. And their attractive friends have more attractive friends that your attractive crush will like. And get their numbers from.

Needless to say, I'm out of my league in trying to talk to this guy. Now, before you think that I'm that creepy stalker person that watches their crush from a corner, I have talked to him. I'd like to say we're acquaintances, but I'd rather be friends. Oh well.

So back to this party. Right at the beginning, I bumped into the guy I like (let's call him B), and he was in a closet looking for cups. I offered to hold his beer, since he was holding it in his mouth, but he insisted that he was fine. I forget what I was saying to him, but at some point he touched my back. But w/e. Night goes on. Talked to friends, spoke to the guy I liked in the beginning of the year both this year and last year (but he's taken, but I'll call him M).

I ended up getting too clusterphobic and I had to remove myself from the crowd; I went to the second floor (which has a banister that looks over the living/tv room, where the party was being held), and so I just stood up there and did some people-watching. Kind of. I spent the majority of my time zoning out. At some point, B looked up at me (he was wearing a sombrero... I have no idea why. But it was entertaining to watch people try to knock it off of his head); he smiled and waved at me, and then went back to talking to friends. OF course, I smiled and waved back at him (though to be perfectly honest, I think my expression was a cross between "Why are you looking at me?" and "Pfffft"). This happened a couple of times, and after one of the times, he left the area that I could see, towards the direction that the stairs were in. Part of me was hoping that he was going to come upstairs and talk to me, but the other half of me was like "Keep dreaming."

And then M saw me, and had this look of "Why are you up there?" and I just waved at him. He gave me the "One second" gesture and started to leave the area, leaving in the same direction that B did. At least I knew that one guy was going to come up and talk to me.
At SOME point, J came upstairs, I think to make sure that there wasn't anybody getting sick or having sex in one of the bedrooms. And then he came over and talked to me for a bit to make sure that I was alright (because I was standing upstairs alone and zoning out XD That, and he wasn't sure how good my tolerance was), and I insisted that I was fine.

In the back of my mind, I wanted him to ask me if I could have another drink, and I wanted to say that I would take a drink, if he would kiss me. Oh, the desperate side of me wanted attention sooooo bad, and it liked the fact that J was paying some attention to it. WHY MUST J BE ATTRACTIVE AS WELL. ... why must I like the guys that are either taken or way out of my league? Goddammit.

Anyways. Now that I have actually said that aloud. Back to the story.

So J leaves with some biddies, and M eventually comes upstairs. First thing he does? He comes walking over to me and stands freakishly close and decided to check up on me to see how I was doing. I told him I was people-watching, and keeping an eye on my friends. (Though I'm pretty sure that B thought I was staring at him from up on the banister, which isn't true). We started talking a little bit more when some girls came walking up and entered a room, and B was following as well.

Part of me wanted to scream right then and there, because like... I like B, and I would like M but he has a girlfriend. And J is out of my league as well. Goddammit.
And like... I don't know if B was coming upstairs to talk to me or not. If he was, then seeing M standing close to me would have set the wrong picture. If he wasn't then he was going into the room that all those girls were going into (well, there were a couple of guys. People had been going in and out of that room; I think it was just a place to sit and chill). B ended up giving me a smile and following the girls into the room, and M followed them.

I still wanted to scream, because I KNEW that was going to happen. I knew that he moment that M came up to talk to me, Karma would be a bitch and bring B up as well.

But I don't need to worry; neither of them like me that way anyways \o/ . Time to move on.

So yeah, how do I know this? Well, not once did he actually go out of his way to talk to me, where I kind of tried to. He's admitted to not liking anyone about a month ago (at the last party I went to), and he was off talking to other girls. That were attractive. And really pretty.

My problem is that I'm not a biddy. I don't go to parties and drink a shit ton, or dress like a slut or wear 5 inch heels. I don't just waltz up to an attractive guy and make out with them on the spot; I don't like grinding because I find it uncomfortable and an invasion of property. Taking one drink and going to parties is already stepping out of my comfort zone a lot; despite what people think, I'm a quite person that enjoys my alone time. And this is why people think I'm a hermit. I will not do anything else to try and impress someone that won't like me back, because I'm not fucking like that.
So why can't I just give up and admit defeat? Because I'm too goddamn proud to say so. Never in my entire life have I EVER wanted to pour my heart out to someone like that. Again.
The last time I did that? The last time I stepped out of my comfort zone, left a party with a guy I liked? He brought me to his house, and wanted to fuck me. And he wasn't even drinking. And then, everytime we were together? I'd tell him the same thing over and over again: I wouldn't have sex with him because I haven't had those HPV shot things, I'm not on birth control, and because we weren't actually officially dating. He, while being in the mood, told me that if I had sex with him, he would say that we were dating... and I found that an incredibly sleezy thing to do. I should have told him to drive me back to my dorm room that night and never invited him to meet my roommate.

And what do you know? Denying someone too many times gets yourself dumped in the middle of a parking lot. And left there.

... I need to stop assuming that it'll happen again. I just don't want to be fucking hurt again and denied. Rather, rejected.

I'm not screaming to the world claiming that I want my prince charming, because whenever he rears his face, I'll run towards it and never let go.

Part of me wishes I were a little more outgoing and not so reserved.

I still like this guy too. And its killing me. I just want this crush to be done and over with... I want it to pass, and I'm scared that it won't pass. It doesn't help that I see him every single day. It doesn't help that he smiles and says hello to me everyday. It doesn't help that I take every little action out of context, and then I have to remind myself that its just a friendly action.

It also doesn't help that some people think I'm a lesbian because I don't "act" like how girls are supposed to act. Nor do I wear the most girly of clothing or dress like a fucking slut in the middle of winter when its freezing cold outside.

Eh.

Its not the end of the world.

I'm going to go do some homework.

Who needs to update this thing anyways?

I don't XD

I just had Dr. Pepper spill all over a new sketch book, a new book I bought the other day and started reading, two pictures MK drew for me, and my laptop.

So, not only do I feel like shit for having a dark colored soda spill over pictures a friend drew me, but now I can't finish what I was sketching originally because the cover to my sketchbook is wet and I don't want to risk having the papers get wet.
As for my book? I currently have paper towel sheets sitting between pages to prevent the pages from sticking as it dries... though, now there will probably be a problem with getting the paper towel out. Didn't think about that...

My laptop is fine, on the other hand. Thank god it was closed and it had a case... otherwise I would be in deep shit.

Currently, anything with paper is sitting under the radiator in my basement. Except for the two pictures, which are nestled under some more paper towel. With VHS tapes sitting on top of it.

My new sketchbook is like... it was $16 at Michael's, and it looks like an old leather book (ish). I'm gonna use it for when I want to do short comics (Magyk); AU shorts, Notes (which are things written when MK and I aren't RPing. It usually just happens between our specific characters rather than each others), and Flashbacks. They're just block comics, rather than actual paneled comics. Some might not have text...

So now I'm just... writing stuff into a blog that no one reads \o/ And waiting for the heat to turn on to dry off my books. I want to finish reading that book, dammit. I'm about 70 pages in after one day, don't stop me BC (the problem is, if I continue reading it now, I'll rip the pages). The entire SIDE of the book got drenched in Dr. Pepper, and only the first... 10 pages or so got soaked through.

Stupid heat won't turn on.

...

anyways. What can I talk about?

Oh, my dad bought a 65" Plasma screen TV the other day to replace the old 50" one we had. Originally, we were just going to replace the old one that decided to break randomly, something a little cheaper, no 3D... y'know, things like that? I mean, my dad already has Google TV, a Blu-ray player, a Bose sound system with DVD/FM/AM/CD/AUX player.... but noooo, he bought a 65" tv.

I kinda have to ask where all this money comes from...

I guess I'll spend some time writing stories now, or work on that 100 Themes writing prompt thing I started like, last year... (which reminds me, I still have 100 Themes for art to do, don't I? XD I'm stuck on Atonement. I might change that word... OH WAIT. I think I thought of something. I'll have to scribble it down later)

Oscar goes in for a check up tomorrow... I'm actually hoping that tonight he poops in my sink so that we can bring it in to the vet to have checked (because he has on and off diarrhea, and its concerning me). The only other thing is that he's probably going to have to be manhandled in order to check on, because he can get quite vicious if he's touched the wrong way.
Which still doesn't explain why he bit my ass the other night... or attacked me while I was brushing my teeth.
I swear to god he's trying to kill me, and Nala can't fend him off for me ;^;


... well, now I'm bored. I think I'm going to go write some stories in the meantime.

OFF I GO.

I just need a little space to vent for a minute.

I look forward to coming home and spending time with my family.

Just right now, I want to go back to school and just sit in my dorm room where I don't have to fucking worry whether my parents are actually going to split or not. Where I don't have to hear their arguments up in my room.

I'm canceling my plans for Wednesday and Thursday, just to make sure that my mom is okay.


... I'm looking forward to that therapy session when I get back to school.

I've been home for less than a fucking week, and I already have to deal with this shit again.



...

Its eerily quiet in my house right now.

I either want out, or I just want to sit and cry while listening to the rain hit my windows and wind break branches.

That was incredibly emo.

I apologize.



...

nope, nevermind. The argument continues.

I can't escape from my room either because, to be perfectly honest, I'm terrified.

Laryngitis!

I will try and find a video of me talking normally XD


Anyways. I do sound different, I promise. XD

An update.

So this week has been... interesting, to say the least.

On friday of last week, one of my fellow classmates got into a car accident around 2 AM (Saturday) and passed away. I didn't find out until much later that day (while I was working), and I was in complete shock about the entire thing. I didn't want to believe it.
I... wish I had known him better. From what I knew (because he was in a couple of my classes), he was an AMAZING musician and person in general. He might have been quiet, but his presence lit up the room.
To see everyone so upset is so touching; to see an entire community so divided before suddenly become connected in ways you cannot imagine is amazing. I spent monday and tuesday of this week really depressed because of the whole thing... it has gotten to the point where I don't want to go to my 8 AM Flute Class tomorrow because he was in it. I spoke to him the morning he passed away. I was in awe how much he had improved on the flute, because a week before he couldn't make one note through it... and suddenly, while he was performing, there was a sound. He honest to god worked at everything he did. and it paid off. Regardless, I don't want to go to the class, because I know what will happen: I'll cry. He won't be there.

On tuesday, I was standing around in what we call Brass Alley here at Ithaca, and out of nowhere the old Tuba Professor was standing there talking to his old Tuba and Euphonium studio. It dawned on me then that he had posted a facebook status saying that he was going to come in to see his old studio... now, he was here teaching last year; he had an early retirement because his cancer came back, and he needed to get it removed and such. He taught the boy who died for two-three years.
What struck me then, as he walked away to meet the professor who was filling his spot, was that he, the professor, was not in good health. To have a student who was in perfect health and everything die before you... it must be such a sad feeling... and to not see him before he passed away for a couple of months... its just... its really sad.
I watched the professor stop in the middle of the hallway and lean up against a wall to rub his eyes and take a breather.

I cried.

I keep thinking that he is going to walk through those doors and be like, "Hey guys! I'm still here." and pick up his Euphonium and play with us in band. But I know that its not going to happen...

In his Honor, we played an arrangement of Amazing Grace (that I had part in) with our band (he was in it), and in Chorus, we are singing O Magnum Mysterium. ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nn5ken3RJBo ) YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO THAT IF YOU HAVE NEVER HEARD THIS VERSION. It was his favorite piece... everyone was having such a hard time trying not to cry while performing these pieces.

We left his seat empty and sitting there in band.




I just want you all to be safe this holiday season. Don't make stupid decisions and think before you do something. Don't make long trips that you know you can't make after either a long day or alone. Just don't do it.
Scratch that.
Be safe whenever you are driving. I know you can't control the world around you and what happens there, but at least you yourself will be a safe driver.

Haha, I have a blog, don't I?

I keep on neglecting to update my blog.

This is bad. Haha...

I didn't get the amount of artwork I wanted to get done over break. Oh well... I blame Assassin's Creed: Revelations. I bought it, and I had just a few hours to beat it, since my mom was upset that I bought a video game (claimed that I wouldn't "spend time with the family", so I was determined to beat it before the day of Thanksgiving... which did happen.) So many hours spent sitting on a couch, holding a Xbox 360 controller.

Anyways, I'm just going to briefly update this so I can go practice for another 30 minutes on my trombone.

Not like anyone reads this anyways. Ha.

... and I was reminded that I still have a 100 themes list going on. I should probably finish that.

Have I also mentioned how amazing Laser Printer paper is? And cardstock? So amazing. They're so smooth and nice to draw on... Ha. Haha... I'm going insane, I swear. I'm obsessed with paper and pens. Is that a bad thing?

I also managed to forget that I had a CAPS (the therapist) appointment today, and went to go practice instead. Stupid me... (/hits head). Oh well; I didn't get the voice message or phone call until it was too late to go to the appointment, so I sent them an apology email (since the phone number they gave me was incorrect ||D).

In the meantime, I'm going to go practice a little while longer, then go to my 4 PM class, and then... well, draw for a little while. Maybe I'll do some pictures for the 100 themes. I might change Atonement to a written theme though... because I'm having trouble coming up with a single picture idea. (Or perhaps I'll do a one page comic)...


And for those looking forward to the Bionicle Manga being brought back, I haz some questions:
1) I might switch it all to JUST digital. But it will still look like a sketch, maybe... would that be okay?
2) If I changed it to JUST the Beginnings story that I had posted on dA a looong time ago... would you all be upset? I feel odd doing a comic on the existing story line, where as I will have more freedom to move around with the Beginnings, since TECHNICALLY I wrote it, with Bionicle characters in it. =|
3) If you would like to color pages if I decide to do just B&W, would anyone like to color it? I'll give you the account to Tahu_Sensei (he's not a real person XD he was created to bitch at people bitching on my comic page).

I keep on meaning to post the next page for it, I think... I might do a 4-Koma first, and then get back to it. Maybe.

I STILL NEED TO DO PAGES FOR THE OTHER TWO COMICS. AUUUGH. XD

... anyways, back to practicing.

ONWARDS.

Before I go to bed for the night

I was really exhausted earlier tonight... and I think the caffeine from my coffee at 4 PM kicked in again.

So I have some stories to share, since I don't feel like signing onto Skype at the moment just to share my laughter.

1) How a Text Message can make your night great.

I was sitting on my bed reading a webcomic or something (I forget which), and my roommate had JUST gone to sleep. Usually at night, I turn my phone off silent so I can hear the alarm in the morning; usually people don't send me texts.
So I was relaxing when my phone goes off (quite loudly, mind you... which brings the question: why is the volume on max? >.>). Confused, I look at the text message and it reads... "<333" from one of the trombonists in my studio.
Needless to say, I was completely baffled (for multiple reasons). So I wasn't going to respond, but I figured that he probably sent that text to the wrong person... so I texted him back saying "J*****, you do realize you just sent me a text message with hearts in it... right?"
And I waited.... and for my sake, I will continue posting him as J and write the rest of the conversation in script format:

J: Yes. Yes I am. I'm sucking up to you
Me: ... what.
J: Have you committed your extra grab and go to anyone for tomorrow?

And at that point, I did a major facepalm and just LAUGHED. Grab and Go is a thing that our school does around lunchtime; one of the dining halls (from 10:30-4ish) has a system where students can go into a part of the dining hall to make a bagged lunch and eat anywhere on campus (lunches usually consist of Pizza/Sandwich/Wrap, two containers of Jello/Yogurt/Pudding/Pasta Salad/Couscous/etc, a soup, dessert, piece of fruit, and a drink), and you can grab anything you want and GO. Its a cool thing.
Because I have an unlimited meal plan, I can get two bagged lunches. Usually, before I leave the music school to grab my own lunch, I ask people from my studio if they would like me to grab them some food. It started with one person (who bought me outlining pens as a thank you), and the whole thing has almost spread through the entire studio XD
I've been called the "Mother Theresa of the Trombone Studio", which makes me giggle a bit. The original person who I was doing this for, ending up catching after I got my own lunch, so I gave him my cell number so he could text me in advance when he would like me to get him some food.
So today, I called J because one of my friends needed her car jumped (we got stuck quite a distance away from campus today XD We had something to do for one of our classes), so I guess he remembered that he had my cell number and decided to ask me to get him lunch. XD
So the conversation continues:

Me: Pffft, no not yet. Do you want me to get you lunch tomorrow?
J: <333333

I just found the entire thing hysterical.
Of course, then I remembered AFTER I told him I would get him some food that Grab and Go was closed tomorrow, since Thanksgiving Break starts tomorrow (aka, the Dining Hall workers are going off early).
So I felt bad for like... telling him that.
Its a good thing he laughed it off.

... can you guess why I was so confused by the hearts? (why yes, I did like him at some point. He's a very attractive person, and VERY tall. Its unfortunate that I'm not his type ;^; Oh well. There's other fish in the sea, right? ) I did find the whole thing funny though. I did seriously think though that he texted the wrong person at first XD

2) I nearly lost it in Band the other day.

We're playing this piece in band that has the trombonists (rather, the majority, if not ENTIRETY of the low brass section) sit out in SILENCE for 80 measures of rest in the beginning, and the close to 200 measures of rest RIGHT SMACKDAB in the middle. And guess which sections we were rehearsing? The ones we don't play in. \o/
I nearly went insane during that rehearsal. I was so bored.
So anyways, that's not the story I was going to tell.
There's around... 7 Tenor trombonists and 1 Bass (I'm Sixth chair) in the Symphonic Band. So, the guy who sits 5th Chair wasn't in that rehearsal (I think he was sick, which is unfortunate), so there was an empty seat between myself and the 4th chair. 4th chair dude at some point decided to rest his arm on the empty chair, so his hand was kind of dangling in the air (... that probably made no sense. Pretend you understand). So, 3rd chair starts motioning some sort of.... I don't know, cryptic message to me.
At first, I thought I wasn't the only one losing it.
After about 20 minutes of trying to figure out what he was saying, I figured it out: he was telling me to grab 4th's hand.
Unless he was trying to set us up (which I highly doubt), I kind of gave him the O_o look, and had to try and explain that a) I was a chick and b) 4th is a dude. Girl grabbing guy's hand = unwarranted signals. Besides, it would have been hilarious if 3rd did it, but it would have been just plain awkward for me.

4th is the guy who let me have the solo in one of our pieces for Trombone Troupe the other night, btw. It made me happy. He's a very sweet person (at least, from what I can tell).

3) I'm insane.

I'm taking 18.5 credits for the Spring 2012 semester ||D I have to pay money for that extra .5 credit though... we have a maximum of 18 credits per semester. FML.
Anyways, I got all the classes I wanted, so that's the good news.
Except for that chem class. I'm a little upset by that... oh well.

4) ... there was another story. I got too caught up in the moment about the text message one. XD

W/e.

Off to bed with me! Sleep, how I miss you.