But that's okay. This doesn't really matter anyways.
I feel like my best friend is mad at me. And I don't know what I did wrong.
When I try to talk to her individually, she doesn't really talk to me. She talks to everyone else (and I love the others; they're really nice and friendly). But like... I miss talking to just her.
Le sigh.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Entropy
I totally just had to think about my password to google for a split second. But anyways...
so my friends were talking about this site that asked you these questions and stuff like that. I don't exactly know if it is directed at those with synesthesia, but I still took it.
The results are FREAKY, because mine sounds exactly like me...
http://www.hypnoid.com/EM_entropy/ That's the link, if you want to take it.
Here are my results:
You feel both a sense that your problems are causing you stress and that these problems may be insurmountable, or at least that you are probably not likely to be able to solve them through shear force of will. You have the ability to emotionally and physically connect with others, which is often a release for your feelings of helplessness.
You are somewhat unstable, and you tend to blame your problems on others and on circumstances that are beyond your control. Although you greatly desire to make a good impression and to be known and respected by others, you are very easily frustrated from your goals and will very quickly devolve into a feeling of helplessness in the face of frustration. The idea of failing is often so frightening to you that the fear itself will often lead to failure. After stress has left you to pick up the pieces, you will often feel victimized by forces around you. It would be helpful to take responsibility for your actions.
---
uhm. Just uuuuhhhhmmmmm....
so my friends were talking about this site that asked you these questions and stuff like that. I don't exactly know if it is directed at those with synesthesia, but I still took it.
The results are FREAKY, because mine sounds exactly like me...
http://www.hypnoid.com/EM_entropy/ That's the link, if you want to take it.
Here are my results:
You feel both a sense that your problems are causing you stress and that these problems may be insurmountable, or at least that you are probably not likely to be able to solve them through shear force of will. You have the ability to emotionally and physically connect with others, which is often a release for your feelings of helplessness.
You are somewhat unstable, and you tend to blame your problems on others and on circumstances that are beyond your control. Although you greatly desire to make a good impression and to be known and respected by others, you are very easily frustrated from your goals and will very quickly devolve into a feeling of helplessness in the face of frustration. The idea of failing is often so frightening to you that the fear itself will often lead to failure. After stress has left you to pick up the pieces, you will often feel victimized by forces around you. It would be helpful to take responsibility for your actions.
---
uhm. Just uuuuhhhhmmmmm....
Friday, March 30, 2012
So I got thinking.
Okay, so... I had the guy that I've been talking about come over my room tonight. I've literally been seeing him the past few nights, some by coincidence, others because he wanted my gummy worms. But I guess that gives him an excuse to come see me... right? ... maybe?
Anyways, that's not the point.
So, the last few times he's seen me, there has always been something that made me look socially awkward or something set me off.
So, I will go into a whole back story of why I'm so socially awkward and so... low on self esteem.
I was that girl in grade school.
No, not the slut. No, not the bookworm.... you know, the music geek. The one who sat in the corner reading manga (mostly just in 5-8th grade). The one who drew anime for a while, and then changed her style, but it was still seen as anime. The girl who wasn't skinny as fuck. The non-athletic girl.
You know, the one who made her "flaws" obvious.
Nothing really bothered me until Middle School really, when two of my closest friends got into a fight, and I felt like I was being dragged into choosing sides.
Middle School was also the time where I became aware that my parents were fighting about marriage. They're still together to this day, but it made things like this really rough and... made me emotionally unstable. I had my first mental break down in 7th grade, and I had no idea what was wrong, other than I knew I was losing my mind, and I had no idea how to get back.
But really? Nothing was bad until I reached high school. Ooooh boy.
First day of school: I used to carry around this big, thick portfolio thingy with me, and it had all my drawings and references in it. Me, being shy, I kind of walked into the school with my face buried in this portfolio. And then... either I tripped or something, but I dropped the portfolio, and all of its contents went shooting out of it across the floor. On my first day of HIGH SCHOOL. Innocent freshman. I had none of my friends nearby, and my older brother walked right on by. So, with my face beet red, I picked up all my papers as fast as I could, and ran off to my first class.
No one helped me that day, and I'm glad no one remembered it but me.
But anyways.
The PingPong Ball: Funny how all these things happen as a freshman... but anyways. So, I was walking to the cafeteria in my school, and these guys were joking around in the hallway. I walked through a doorway, and one of the guys started backing up into me (like, he didn't see me). As a quick side note: I usually find it rude to walk through a group of people while they're having a conversation. Ahem. So yeah, I tried not to get hit by the guy backing up into me, so I ended up running into the wall to my right and sliding right past the dude. Though, this action of trying to avoid him probably pissed him off, because he threw a ping pong ball at the back of my head and shouted, "Watch where you're going, fatty!"
Yeah, self-confidence: -1.
More avoiding being hit by people: So, I was trying to get to class (History, actually XD), and I, again, was trying to avoid bumping into people. But, I narrowly missed hitting someone, and I got yelled at by this guy: "Watch it, fat, ugly chick!"
Self-confidence: -100.
So, I made it my goal to not eat from that point on. Rather than gaining the freshman 15, I lost 15. And then proceeded to put it back on, just because I was growing and stuff.
But yeah, there are other stories, such as...
Liking your best friend (male), and knowing that he liked you too. This happened Junior year, after I had broken up with my boyfriend at the time. And like, I liked this guy for a while, and I knew he liked me too. We would always hang out with each other, during and after school. So like... there was a lot of flirting. And a bunch of other stories that go along with this, but I won't bother. So anyways, his best friend's girlfriend is REALLY pretty. I recall this one time that the three of us (Myself, Guy and Girlfriend of best friend) were at the mall once, and while I was sitting there, guy goes "Your boyfriend is really lucky to have you." Girl replies with a question. He answers "Because you're hot."
Blow to the self-esteem: Critical condition.
Story continues. G.F tells me, a few days later that she thinks she likes Guy, knowing that I liked him for a LONG time. I told her that it would be wrong of her to break up with B.F, just for the Guy. So, Girlfriend and Best Friend break up. Two days later? You can guess.
Esteem plumets: Below Sea-Level.
I find myself looking back at my days in High School. The only people that asked me to go to prom were my ex (my sophomore year), and then one of my close friends, because she wanted revenge on her ex for breaking up with her. Oh, and this one other kid, but I honestly didn't have the money nor motivation to go to Prom for a third time (I felt bad turning him down, but I wasn't interested in him either).
The one guy who had the balls to ask me out I turned down because my parents didn't like him and I was scared of dating (I was a freshman when he asked me out). He had (and still does) have low self-esteem, and I feel like he blames me, to this day, for not being able to get a girlfriend.
But other than that? No one bothered to look at me. I wasn't that girl in high school who was so open to guys.
All the guys in my school, other than my friends, were douches anyways.
But I look at their photos: they're all throwing parties and getting drunk and shit like that. I question: why wasn't I ever invited to those parties? Was it because I didn't have a facebook until senior year?
I will never know the answer to that, but I'm thankful I'm not like that. I don't want to be a biddy.
So yeah. There are reasons why I have such low self-confidence.
Its taken me years just to break out of that shell again.
Not to say that a few things in college put me back into that shell...
So.
Now we know why I get super sensitive when people call me fat. High school, and because my dad is a exercise dude (and now my mom is too).
Now we all understand why I get so flustered when someone calls me cute or pretty.
Now we know why I can't take a compliment.
And that's my rant for the day.
Anyways, that's not the point.
So, the last few times he's seen me, there has always been something that made me look socially awkward or something set me off.
So, I will go into a whole back story of why I'm so socially awkward and so... low on self esteem.
I was that girl in grade school.
No, not the slut. No, not the bookworm.... you know, the music geek. The one who sat in the corner reading manga (mostly just in 5-8th grade). The one who drew anime for a while, and then changed her style, but it was still seen as anime. The girl who wasn't skinny as fuck. The non-athletic girl.
You know, the one who made her "flaws" obvious.
Nothing really bothered me until Middle School really, when two of my closest friends got into a fight, and I felt like I was being dragged into choosing sides.
Middle School was also the time where I became aware that my parents were fighting about marriage. They're still together to this day, but it made things like this really rough and... made me emotionally unstable. I had my first mental break down in 7th grade, and I had no idea what was wrong, other than I knew I was losing my mind, and I had no idea how to get back.
But really? Nothing was bad until I reached high school. Ooooh boy.
First day of school: I used to carry around this big, thick portfolio thingy with me, and it had all my drawings and references in it. Me, being shy, I kind of walked into the school with my face buried in this portfolio. And then... either I tripped or something, but I dropped the portfolio, and all of its contents went shooting out of it across the floor. On my first day of HIGH SCHOOL. Innocent freshman. I had none of my friends nearby, and my older brother walked right on by. So, with my face beet red, I picked up all my papers as fast as I could, and ran off to my first class.
No one helped me that day, and I'm glad no one remembered it but me.
But anyways.
The PingPong Ball: Funny how all these things happen as a freshman... but anyways. So, I was walking to the cafeteria in my school, and these guys were joking around in the hallway. I walked through a doorway, and one of the guys started backing up into me (like, he didn't see me). As a quick side note: I usually find it rude to walk through a group of people while they're having a conversation. Ahem. So yeah, I tried not to get hit by the guy backing up into me, so I ended up running into the wall to my right and sliding right past the dude. Though, this action of trying to avoid him probably pissed him off, because he threw a ping pong ball at the back of my head and shouted, "Watch where you're going, fatty!"
Yeah, self-confidence: -1.
More avoiding being hit by people: So, I was trying to get to class (History, actually XD), and I, again, was trying to avoid bumping into people. But, I narrowly missed hitting someone, and I got yelled at by this guy: "Watch it, fat, ugly chick!"
Self-confidence: -100.
So, I made it my goal to not eat from that point on. Rather than gaining the freshman 15, I lost 15. And then proceeded to put it back on, just because I was growing and stuff.
But yeah, there are other stories, such as...
Liking your best friend (male), and knowing that he liked you too. This happened Junior year, after I had broken up with my boyfriend at the time. And like, I liked this guy for a while, and I knew he liked me too. We would always hang out with each other, during and after school. So like... there was a lot of flirting. And a bunch of other stories that go along with this, but I won't bother. So anyways, his best friend's girlfriend is REALLY pretty. I recall this one time that the three of us (Myself, Guy and Girlfriend of best friend) were at the mall once, and while I was sitting there, guy goes "Your boyfriend is really lucky to have you." Girl replies with a question. He answers "Because you're hot."
Blow to the self-esteem: Critical condition.
Story continues. G.F tells me, a few days later that she thinks she likes Guy, knowing that I liked him for a LONG time. I told her that it would be wrong of her to break up with B.F, just for the Guy. So, Girlfriend and Best Friend break up. Two days later? You can guess.
Esteem plumets: Below Sea-Level.
I find myself looking back at my days in High School. The only people that asked me to go to prom were my ex (my sophomore year), and then one of my close friends, because she wanted revenge on her ex for breaking up with her. Oh, and this one other kid, but I honestly didn't have the money nor motivation to go to Prom for a third time (I felt bad turning him down, but I wasn't interested in him either).
The one guy who had the balls to ask me out I turned down because my parents didn't like him and I was scared of dating (I was a freshman when he asked me out). He had (and still does) have low self-esteem, and I feel like he blames me, to this day, for not being able to get a girlfriend.
But other than that? No one bothered to look at me. I wasn't that girl in high school who was so open to guys.
All the guys in my school, other than my friends, were douches anyways.
But I look at their photos: they're all throwing parties and getting drunk and shit like that. I question: why wasn't I ever invited to those parties? Was it because I didn't have a facebook until senior year?
I will never know the answer to that, but I'm thankful I'm not like that. I don't want to be a biddy.
So yeah. There are reasons why I have such low self-confidence.
Its taken me years just to break out of that shell again.
Not to say that a few things in college put me back into that shell...
So.
Now we know why I get super sensitive when people call me fat. High school, and because my dad is a exercise dude (and now my mom is too).
Now we all understand why I get so flustered when someone calls me cute or pretty.
Now we know why I can't take a compliment.
And that's my rant for the day.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Have I mentioned...
That I'm a nervous wreck?
That I'm weird and a tad bit psycho?
That I shake when I get extremely nervous?
That I sweat when I'm nervous?
That I bruise easily?
That I end up crying for no good reason sometimes?
That I'm unbelievably weird?
Not yet, but you are slowly learning this.
That, and I can't spell the word bruise or anything correctly at the moment. I should have left all my typos.
That I'm weird and a tad bit psycho?
That I shake when I get extremely nervous?
That I sweat when I'm nervous?
That I bruise easily?
That I end up crying for no good reason sometimes?
That I'm unbelievably weird?
Not yet, but you are slowly learning this.
That, and I can't spell the word bruise or anything correctly at the moment. I should have left all my typos.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Orly.
So apparently Connecticut is planning to put the American flag at half-mast for Whitney Houston's death.
My first reaction: what.
Why are we lowering our flag for a pop star? It doesn't make sense to me.
My second reaction: WHAT.
So, in a time of conflict, tons of people are risking their lives for this country, and we are "honoring" a pop star.
My third reaction: aSFDHKLDSHFAK.
So, in addition to this not making sense, and the fact that we are honoring the life of a fucking POP star, our government is spending time debating whether they are going to lower a fucking flag or not INSTEAD of trying to come up with ways to fix our government?
Idiots.
That's what they are.
My conclusion is that if we are going to honor the death of a pop star, who may have been a perfectly fine influence to MANY other musicians and pop stars out there, we might as well honor the deaths of everyone in the world. Its a bit of a slap to the face when your government decides that it is perfectly okay to lower a national symbol to a pop star who had no influence to the world around her, other than the musical world.
I mean, I'm a little biased. I might be coming off as stupid or something... but unless someone can convince me that she deserves to have a flag lowered for her, then maybe I'll change my opinion.
On a completely different note, my tummy has been upset since Saturday (2/11). It won't stop getting upset; its a little disconcerting. I know I don't have a stomach bug because this has happened before, but it lasted for two weeks.
I'm going to tread lightly and continue drinking a lot of fluids.
I also bought a new sweater today because it was cold and rainy... and I was cold.
---
Oh, so a new idea that came into mind today as I was eating dinner.
Maybe the guy I like/made out with is sick. And maybe that's why it was a maybe.
I don't know.
Meh.
My first reaction: what.
Why are we lowering our flag for a pop star? It doesn't make sense to me.
My second reaction: WHAT.
So, in a time of conflict, tons of people are risking their lives for this country, and we are "honoring" a pop star.
My third reaction: aSFDHKLDSHFAK.
So, in addition to this not making sense, and the fact that we are honoring the life of a fucking POP star, our government is spending time debating whether they are going to lower a fucking flag or not INSTEAD of trying to come up with ways to fix our government?
Idiots.
That's what they are.
My conclusion is that if we are going to honor the death of a pop star, who may have been a perfectly fine influence to MANY other musicians and pop stars out there, we might as well honor the deaths of everyone in the world. Its a bit of a slap to the face when your government decides that it is perfectly okay to lower a national symbol to a pop star who had no influence to the world around her, other than the musical world.
I mean, I'm a little biased. I might be coming off as stupid or something... but unless someone can convince me that she deserves to have a flag lowered for her, then maybe I'll change my opinion.
On a completely different note, my tummy has been upset since Saturday (2/11). It won't stop getting upset; its a little disconcerting. I know I don't have a stomach bug because this has happened before, but it lasted for two weeks.
I'm going to tread lightly and continue drinking a lot of fluids.
I also bought a new sweater today because it was cold and rainy... and I was cold.
---
Oh, so a new idea that came into mind today as I was eating dinner.
Maybe the guy I like/made out with is sick. And maybe that's why it was a maybe.
I don't know.
Meh.
I'm not venting today!
But instead just going on about how I'm going to make a short coming about my love life.
I got this really interesting idea while attending a concert tonight... I think I might actually start it.
For the hell of it.
Look look! I updated my page again! At least the layout of it.
I have no stories that are worth sharing tonight.
I will also conclude this lame excuse for an update with a message from our sponsors:
You may regret what you've done in the past, but its at least helped you grow. (Right?)
I got this really interesting idea while attending a concert tonight... I think I might actually start it.
For the hell of it.
Look look! I updated my page again! At least the layout of it.
I have no stories that are worth sharing tonight.
I will also conclude this lame excuse for an update with a message from our sponsors:
You may regret what you've done in the past, but its at least helped you grow. (Right?)
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Ohohoho, look? More venting!
Is it really a bad thing to become attached to someone after kissing them once?
Is it also a bad thing to absolutely hate them at the same time for telling you that they want to live the college experience first, and that being single on Valentine's Day totally sucks, even though he told you that he's willing to try things out with you?
Or even better, that when you ask him to go to dinner with you, and he gives you a maybe, and then you tell him to get back to you when he has a definite answer, that you end up getting totally pissed that he claims that he has no one?
Fuck man, I invited you to dinner, mostly because you still wanted to treat things like a pre-date state. Maybe it was my fault for making it sound like a casual meet. I don't know.
But congrats, man, you made it onto my blog. It takes a lot to do that.
But the next time you make out with a girl, hold her hand, and then kiss her goodnight, you might want to think twice. Or maybe when you grow up a bit, then you can come back to me.
Maybe I'll give you a burned waffle the next time I see you at my waffle station.
... no, I'm not that mean. I'll just treat you like every other student I've met.
Anyways, this rant today is brought to you by the word: Confusion.
Because fuck, I'm confused.
Sponsored by: Over it.
Eh, as weird as it sounds, I'm not going to let this get in my way. I might try again, but I don't want to end up getting fucking used again by some asshole who thinks he can walk all over me. I'll see what happens if I invite him to a party; if he agrees then I have two things to think about. If he denies, then he's clearly not interested.
But hey, I still have that other guy I'm interested in. Its a matter of trying to get to talk to him without sounding like a complete idiot in front of him. (i.e. "Are you going to get food without a plate?" (said at the dining hall as he was peeking to see what was for the main dish) or something that involved a bathroom as he was waiting in line...)
Seems ironic that I'm complaining about guys on Valentine's day, doesn't it? Well, really, it has nothing to do with that. See, my thing about this so called "day for lovers" is that its completely commercialized. I mean, most of my belief might come from the fact that I've always been single on this "holiday", but still.
Whether or not I will be single on this day, it doesn't matter. This ONE day shouldn't be the day to show so much affection towards your significant other. Shouldn't we always do that? Everyday? Why does this one day mean so much. What is so freaking important about today?
What ever, this is my perspective on it.
In other words: My conclusion? Its just been another day. It has been no different than the other days of the year so far, nor does it have any impact on the rest of the year. At least for me. So while people are complaining of being single or snogging the faces of their partners off, I will continue to be myself and not worry about the small things in life.
Now if you don't mind, I'm going back to play some bejeweled on Facebook because I can, and I'm super awesome at it. For now.
Is it also a bad thing to absolutely hate them at the same time for telling you that they want to live the college experience first, and that being single on Valentine's Day totally sucks, even though he told you that he's willing to try things out with you?
Or even better, that when you ask him to go to dinner with you, and he gives you a maybe, and then you tell him to get back to you when he has a definite answer, that you end up getting totally pissed that he claims that he has no one?
Fuck man, I invited you to dinner, mostly because you still wanted to treat things like a pre-date state. Maybe it was my fault for making it sound like a casual meet. I don't know.
But congrats, man, you made it onto my blog. It takes a lot to do that.
But the next time you make out with a girl, hold her hand, and then kiss her goodnight, you might want to think twice. Or maybe when you grow up a bit, then you can come back to me.
Maybe I'll give you a burned waffle the next time I see you at my waffle station.
... no, I'm not that mean. I'll just treat you like every other student I've met.
Anyways, this rant today is brought to you by the word: Confusion.
Because fuck, I'm confused.
Sponsored by: Over it.
Eh, as weird as it sounds, I'm not going to let this get in my way. I might try again, but I don't want to end up getting fucking used again by some asshole who thinks he can walk all over me. I'll see what happens if I invite him to a party; if he agrees then I have two things to think about. If he denies, then he's clearly not interested.
But hey, I still have that other guy I'm interested in. Its a matter of trying to get to talk to him without sounding like a complete idiot in front of him. (i.e. "Are you going to get food without a plate?" (said at the dining hall as he was peeking to see what was for the main dish) or something that involved a bathroom as he was waiting in line...)
Seems ironic that I'm complaining about guys on Valentine's day, doesn't it? Well, really, it has nothing to do with that. See, my thing about this so called "day for lovers" is that its completely commercialized. I mean, most of my belief might come from the fact that I've always been single on this "holiday", but still.
Whether or not I will be single on this day, it doesn't matter. This ONE day shouldn't be the day to show so much affection towards your significant other. Shouldn't we always do that? Everyday? Why does this one day mean so much. What is so freaking important about today?
What ever, this is my perspective on it.
In other words: My conclusion? Its just been another day. It has been no different than the other days of the year so far, nor does it have any impact on the rest of the year. At least for me. So while people are complaining of being single or snogging the faces of their partners off, I will continue to be myself and not worry about the small things in life.
Now if you don't mind, I'm going back to play some bejeweled on Facebook because I can, and I'm super awesome at it. For now.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
I just need to vent again.
Its not a bad vent (I think), its more me liking a guy and me knowing that he won't ever share the same feelings in return. It kinda sucks, but... whateves. Can't dwell on things you can't have, right?
Anyways, so... I went out to a party last night, mostly to celebrate a job well done for someone's recital. Said guy, who I had a crush on (he's the guy that sent me the whole strand of text messages asking me to get him lunch XD If you have no idea what I'm talking about, read a couple of posts back. You'll see it), offered me a drink (a bitch drink), and I took it. The following conversation went as follows (for privacy reasons, I will call him J):
Me: (enters party with some friends; finds J and congratulates him and says hi) Hey J :D
J: OH MY GOD. You're here :D (I don't go to parties often XD He gets excited when I go to them. It proves that I'm not a hermit) Hey, you want a drink?
Me: Eeeeehh....
J: Oh, come on. It's a bitch drink.
Me: A what? o_o
J: (laughs and rolls his eyes) Follow me. (he brings me to his room and opens a small fridge and pulls out this bottle of Seagram's Breeze or whatnot? I forget what it was called XD all I know is that it was Seagram's, and it was pink) Its mostly juice and like, 0% alcohol. And its a twisty top.
Me: Eeeeh... (nervous XD)
J: (he pulls the top off and hands it to me) Enjoy. :) (and walks off)
So yeah, I ended up drinking the entire thing and not feeling a thing at all. It wasn't half bad, but hey. But when I finished it, I showed J the bottle, and he was like "YAY" :D I'm known as the non-drinker in my studio (and a lot of people know that). When I told people that I finished a beverage, they were like "HOLY SHIT. WHERE WAS I WHEN THIS HAPPENED." I just found it funny. I still do.
ANYWAYS, this was not what I wanted to rant about.
So like, the guy I like, is like... super. Super. Attractive. And it sucks, because attractive people... have attractive friends. Attractive people only like their attractive friends. And their attractive friends have more attractive friends that your attractive crush will like. And get their numbers from.
Needless to say, I'm out of my league in trying to talk to this guy. Now, before you think that I'm that creepy stalker person that watches their crush from a corner, I have talked to him. I'd like to say we're acquaintances, but I'd rather be friends. Oh well.
So back to this party. Right at the beginning, I bumped into the guy I like (let's call him B), and he was in a closet looking for cups. I offered to hold his beer, since he was holding it in his mouth, but he insisted that he was fine. I forget what I was saying to him, but at some point he touched my back. But w/e. Night goes on. Talked to friends, spoke to the guy I liked in the beginning of the year both this year and last year (but he's taken, but I'll call him M).
I ended up getting too clusterphobic and I had to remove myself from the crowd; I went to the second floor (which has a banister that looks over the living/tv room, where the party was being held), and so I just stood up there and did some people-watching. Kind of. I spent the majority of my time zoning out. At some point, B looked up at me (he was wearing a sombrero... I have no idea why. But it was entertaining to watch people try to knock it off of his head); he smiled and waved at me, and then went back to talking to friends. OF course, I smiled and waved back at him (though to be perfectly honest, I think my expression was a cross between "Why are you looking at me?" and "Pfffft"). This happened a couple of times, and after one of the times, he left the area that I could see, towards the direction that the stairs were in. Part of me was hoping that he was going to come upstairs and talk to me, but the other half of me was like "Keep dreaming."
And then M saw me, and had this look of "Why are you up there?" and I just waved at him. He gave me the "One second" gesture and started to leave the area, leaving in the same direction that B did. At least I knew that one guy was going to come up and talk to me.
At SOME point, J came upstairs, I think to make sure that there wasn't anybody getting sick or having sex in one of the bedrooms. And then he came over and talked to me for a bit to make sure that I was alright (because I was standing upstairs alone and zoning out XD That, and he wasn't sure how good my tolerance was), and I insisted that I was fine.
In the back of my mind, I wanted him to ask me if I could have another drink, and I wanted to say that I would take a drink, if he would kiss me. Oh, the desperate side of me wanted attention sooooo bad, and it liked the fact that J was paying some attention to it. WHY MUST J BE ATTRACTIVE AS WELL. ... why must I like the guys that are either taken or way out of my league? Goddammit.
Anyways. Now that I have actually said that aloud. Back to the story.
So J leaves with some biddies, and M eventually comes upstairs. First thing he does? He comes walking over to me and stands freakishly close and decided to check up on me to see how I was doing. I told him I was people-watching, and keeping an eye on my friends. (Though I'm pretty sure that B thought I was staring at him from up on the banister, which isn't true). We started talking a little bit more when some girls came walking up and entered a room, and B was following as well.
Part of me wanted to scream right then and there, because like... I like B, and I would like M but he has a girlfriend. And J is out of my league as well. Goddammit.
And like... I don't know if B was coming upstairs to talk to me or not. If he was, then seeing M standing close to me would have set the wrong picture. If he wasn't then he was going into the room that all those girls were going into (well, there were a couple of guys. People had been going in and out of that room; I think it was just a place to sit and chill). B ended up giving me a smile and following the girls into the room, and M followed them.
I still wanted to scream, because I KNEW that was going to happen. I knew that he moment that M came up to talk to me, Karma would be a bitch and bring B up as well.
But I don't need to worry; neither of them like me that way anyways \o/ . Time to move on.
So yeah, how do I know this? Well, not once did he actually go out of his way to talk to me, where I kind of tried to. He's admitted to not liking anyone about a month ago (at the last party I went to), and he was off talking to other girls. That were attractive. And really pretty.
My problem is that I'm not a biddy. I don't go to parties and drink a shit ton, or dress like a slut or wear 5 inch heels. I don't just waltz up to an attractive guy and make out with them on the spot; I don't like grinding because I find it uncomfortable and an invasion of property. Taking one drink and going to parties is already stepping out of my comfort zone a lot; despite what people think, I'm a quite person that enjoys my alone time. And this is why people think I'm a hermit. I will not do anything else to try and impress someone that won't like me back, because I'm not fucking like that.
So why can't I just give up and admit defeat? Because I'm too goddamn proud to say so. Never in my entire life have I EVER wanted to pour my heart out to someone like that. Again.
The last time I did that? The last time I stepped out of my comfort zone, left a party with a guy I liked? He brought me to his house, and wanted to fuck me. And he wasn't even drinking. And then, everytime we were together? I'd tell him the same thing over and over again: I wouldn't have sex with him because I haven't had those HPV shot things, I'm not on birth control, and because we weren't actually officially dating. He, while being in the mood, told me that if I had sex with him, he would say that we were dating... and I found that an incredibly sleezy thing to do. I should have told him to drive me back to my dorm room that night and never invited him to meet my roommate.
And what do you know? Denying someone too many times gets yourself dumped in the middle of a parking lot. And left there.
... I need to stop assuming that it'll happen again. I just don't want to be fucking hurt again and denied. Rather, rejected.
I'm not screaming to the world claiming that I want my prince charming, because whenever he rears his face, I'll run towards it and never let go.
Part of me wishes I were a little more outgoing and not so reserved.
I still like this guy too. And its killing me. I just want this crush to be done and over with... I want it to pass, and I'm scared that it won't pass. It doesn't help that I see him every single day. It doesn't help that he smiles and says hello to me everyday. It doesn't help that I take every little action out of context, and then I have to remind myself that its just a friendly action.
It also doesn't help that some people think I'm a lesbian because I don't "act" like how girls are supposed to act. Nor do I wear the most girly of clothing or dress like a fucking slut in the middle of winter when its freezing cold outside.
Eh.
Its not the end of the world.
I'm going to go do some homework.
Anyways, so... I went out to a party last night, mostly to celebrate a job well done for someone's recital. Said guy, who I had a crush on (he's the guy that sent me the whole strand of text messages asking me to get him lunch XD If you have no idea what I'm talking about, read a couple of posts back. You'll see it), offered me a drink (a bitch drink), and I took it. The following conversation went as follows (for privacy reasons, I will call him J):
Me: (enters party with some friends; finds J and congratulates him and says hi) Hey J :D
J: OH MY GOD. You're here :D (I don't go to parties often XD He gets excited when I go to them. It proves that I'm not a hermit) Hey, you want a drink?
Me: Eeeeehh....
J: Oh, come on. It's a bitch drink.
Me: A what? o_o
J: (laughs and rolls his eyes) Follow me. (he brings me to his room and opens a small fridge and pulls out this bottle of Seagram's Breeze or whatnot? I forget what it was called XD all I know is that it was Seagram's, and it was pink) Its mostly juice and like, 0% alcohol. And its a twisty top.
Me: Eeeeh... (nervous XD)
J: (he pulls the top off and hands it to me) Enjoy. :) (and walks off)
So yeah, I ended up drinking the entire thing and not feeling a thing at all. It wasn't half bad, but hey. But when I finished it, I showed J the bottle, and he was like "YAY" :D I'm known as the non-drinker in my studio (and a lot of people know that). When I told people that I finished a beverage, they were like "HOLY SHIT. WHERE WAS I WHEN THIS HAPPENED." I just found it funny. I still do.
ANYWAYS, this was not what I wanted to rant about.
So like, the guy I like, is like... super. Super. Attractive. And it sucks, because attractive people... have attractive friends. Attractive people only like their attractive friends. And their attractive friends have more attractive friends that your attractive crush will like. And get their numbers from.
Needless to say, I'm out of my league in trying to talk to this guy. Now, before you think that I'm that creepy stalker person that watches their crush from a corner, I have talked to him. I'd like to say we're acquaintances, but I'd rather be friends. Oh well.
So back to this party. Right at the beginning, I bumped into the guy I like (let's call him B), and he was in a closet looking for cups. I offered to hold his beer, since he was holding it in his mouth, but he insisted that he was fine. I forget what I was saying to him, but at some point he touched my back. But w/e. Night goes on. Talked to friends, spoke to the guy I liked in the beginning of the year both this year and last year (but he's taken, but I'll call him M).
I ended up getting too clusterphobic and I had to remove myself from the crowd; I went to the second floor (which has a banister that looks over the living/tv room, where the party was being held), and so I just stood up there and did some people-watching. Kind of. I spent the majority of my time zoning out. At some point, B looked up at me (he was wearing a sombrero... I have no idea why. But it was entertaining to watch people try to knock it off of his head); he smiled and waved at me, and then went back to talking to friends. OF course, I smiled and waved back at him (though to be perfectly honest, I think my expression was a cross between "Why are you looking at me?" and "Pfffft"). This happened a couple of times, and after one of the times, he left the area that I could see, towards the direction that the stairs were in. Part of me was hoping that he was going to come upstairs and talk to me, but the other half of me was like "Keep dreaming."
And then M saw me, and had this look of "Why are you up there?" and I just waved at him. He gave me the "One second" gesture and started to leave the area, leaving in the same direction that B did. At least I knew that one guy was going to come up and talk to me.
At SOME point, J came upstairs, I think to make sure that there wasn't anybody getting sick or having sex in one of the bedrooms. And then he came over and talked to me for a bit to make sure that I was alright (because I was standing upstairs alone and zoning out XD That, and he wasn't sure how good my tolerance was), and I insisted that I was fine.
In the back of my mind, I wanted him to ask me if I could have another drink, and I wanted to say that I would take a drink, if he would kiss me. Oh, the desperate side of me wanted attention sooooo bad, and it liked the fact that J was paying some attention to it. WHY MUST J BE ATTRACTIVE AS WELL. ... why must I like the guys that are either taken or way out of my league? Goddammit.
Anyways. Now that I have actually said that aloud. Back to the story.
So J leaves with some biddies, and M eventually comes upstairs. First thing he does? He comes walking over to me and stands freakishly close and decided to check up on me to see how I was doing. I told him I was people-watching, and keeping an eye on my friends. (Though I'm pretty sure that B thought I was staring at him from up on the banister, which isn't true). We started talking a little bit more when some girls came walking up and entered a room, and B was following as well.
Part of me wanted to scream right then and there, because like... I like B, and I would like M but he has a girlfriend. And J is out of my league as well. Goddammit.
And like... I don't know if B was coming upstairs to talk to me or not. If he was, then seeing M standing close to me would have set the wrong picture. If he wasn't then he was going into the room that all those girls were going into (well, there were a couple of guys. People had been going in and out of that room; I think it was just a place to sit and chill). B ended up giving me a smile and following the girls into the room, and M followed them.
I still wanted to scream, because I KNEW that was going to happen. I knew that he moment that M came up to talk to me, Karma would be a bitch and bring B up as well.
But I don't need to worry; neither of them like me that way anyways \o/ . Time to move on.
So yeah, how do I know this? Well, not once did he actually go out of his way to talk to me, where I kind of tried to. He's admitted to not liking anyone about a month ago (at the last party I went to), and he was off talking to other girls. That were attractive. And really pretty.
My problem is that I'm not a biddy. I don't go to parties and drink a shit ton, or dress like a slut or wear 5 inch heels. I don't just waltz up to an attractive guy and make out with them on the spot; I don't like grinding because I find it uncomfortable and an invasion of property. Taking one drink and going to parties is already stepping out of my comfort zone a lot; despite what people think, I'm a quite person that enjoys my alone time. And this is why people think I'm a hermit. I will not do anything else to try and impress someone that won't like me back, because I'm not fucking like that.
So why can't I just give up and admit defeat? Because I'm too goddamn proud to say so. Never in my entire life have I EVER wanted to pour my heart out to someone like that. Again.
The last time I did that? The last time I stepped out of my comfort zone, left a party with a guy I liked? He brought me to his house, and wanted to fuck me. And he wasn't even drinking. And then, everytime we were together? I'd tell him the same thing over and over again: I wouldn't have sex with him because I haven't had those HPV shot things, I'm not on birth control, and because we weren't actually officially dating. He, while being in the mood, told me that if I had sex with him, he would say that we were dating... and I found that an incredibly sleezy thing to do. I should have told him to drive me back to my dorm room that night and never invited him to meet my roommate.
And what do you know? Denying someone too many times gets yourself dumped in the middle of a parking lot. And left there.
... I need to stop assuming that it'll happen again. I just don't want to be fucking hurt again and denied. Rather, rejected.
I'm not screaming to the world claiming that I want my prince charming, because whenever he rears his face, I'll run towards it and never let go.
Part of me wishes I were a little more outgoing and not so reserved.
I still like this guy too. And its killing me. I just want this crush to be done and over with... I want it to pass, and I'm scared that it won't pass. It doesn't help that I see him every single day. It doesn't help that he smiles and says hello to me everyday. It doesn't help that I take every little action out of context, and then I have to remind myself that its just a friendly action.
It also doesn't help that some people think I'm a lesbian because I don't "act" like how girls are supposed to act. Nor do I wear the most girly of clothing or dress like a fucking slut in the middle of winter when its freezing cold outside.
Eh.
Its not the end of the world.
I'm going to go do some homework.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Who needs to update this thing anyways?
I don't XD
I just had Dr. Pepper spill all over a new sketch book, a new book I bought the other day and started reading, two pictures MK drew for me, and my laptop.
So, not only do I feel like shit for having a dark colored soda spill over pictures a friend drew me, but now I can't finish what I was sketching originally because the cover to my sketchbook is wet and I don't want to risk having the papers get wet.
As for my book? I currently have paper towel sheets sitting between pages to prevent the pages from sticking as it dries... though, now there will probably be a problem with getting the paper towel out. Didn't think about that...
My laptop is fine, on the other hand. Thank god it was closed and it had a case... otherwise I would be in deep shit.
Currently, anything with paper is sitting under the radiator in my basement. Except for the two pictures, which are nestled under some more paper towel. With VHS tapes sitting on top of it.
My new sketchbook is like... it was $16 at Michael's, and it looks like an old leather book (ish). I'm gonna use it for when I want to do short comics (Magyk); AU shorts, Notes (which are things written when MK and I aren't RPing. It usually just happens between our specific characters rather than each others), and Flashbacks. They're just block comics, rather than actual paneled comics. Some might not have text...
So now I'm just... writing stuff into a blog that no one reads \o/ And waiting for the heat to turn on to dry off my books. I want to finish reading that book, dammit. I'm about 70 pages in after one day, don't stop me BC (the problem is, if I continue reading it now, I'll rip the pages). The entire SIDE of the book got drenched in Dr. Pepper, and only the first... 10 pages or so got soaked through.
Stupid heat won't turn on.
...
anyways. What can I talk about?
Oh, my dad bought a 65" Plasma screen TV the other day to replace the old 50" one we had. Originally, we were just going to replace the old one that decided to break randomly, something a little cheaper, no 3D... y'know, things like that? I mean, my dad already has Google TV, a Blu-ray player, a Bose sound system with DVD/FM/AM/CD/AUX player.... but noooo, he bought a 65" tv.
I kinda have to ask where all this money comes from...
I guess I'll spend some time writing stories now, or work on that 100 Themes writing prompt thing I started like, last year... (which reminds me, I still have 100 Themes for art to do, don't I? XD I'm stuck on Atonement. I might change that word... OH WAIT. I think I thought of something. I'll have to scribble it down later)
Oscar goes in for a check up tomorrow... I'm actually hoping that tonight he poops in my sink so that we can bring it in to the vet to have checked (because he has on and off diarrhea, and its concerning me). The only other thing is that he's probably going to have to be manhandled in order to check on, because he can get quite vicious if he's touched the wrong way.
Which still doesn't explain why he bit my ass the other night... or attacked me while I was brushing my teeth.
I swear to god he's trying to kill me, and Nala can't fend him off for me ;^;
... well, now I'm bored. I think I'm going to go write some stories in the meantime.
OFF I GO.
I just had Dr. Pepper spill all over a new sketch book, a new book I bought the other day and started reading, two pictures MK drew for me, and my laptop.
So, not only do I feel like shit for having a dark colored soda spill over pictures a friend drew me, but now I can't finish what I was sketching originally because the cover to my sketchbook is wet and I don't want to risk having the papers get wet.
As for my book? I currently have paper towel sheets sitting between pages to prevent the pages from sticking as it dries... though, now there will probably be a problem with getting the paper towel out. Didn't think about that...
My laptop is fine, on the other hand. Thank god it was closed and it had a case... otherwise I would be in deep shit.
Currently, anything with paper is sitting under the radiator in my basement. Except for the two pictures, which are nestled under some more paper towel. With VHS tapes sitting on top of it.
My new sketchbook is like... it was $16 at Michael's, and it looks like an old leather book (ish). I'm gonna use it for when I want to do short comics (Magyk); AU shorts, Notes (which are things written when MK and I aren't RPing. It usually just happens between our specific characters rather than each others), and Flashbacks. They're just block comics, rather than actual paneled comics. Some might not have text...
So now I'm just... writing stuff into a blog that no one reads \o/ And waiting for the heat to turn on to dry off my books. I want to finish reading that book, dammit. I'm about 70 pages in after one day, don't stop me BC (the problem is, if I continue reading it now, I'll rip the pages). The entire SIDE of the book got drenched in Dr. Pepper, and only the first... 10 pages or so got soaked through.
Stupid heat won't turn on.
...
anyways. What can I talk about?
Oh, my dad bought a 65" Plasma screen TV the other day to replace the old 50" one we had. Originally, we were just going to replace the old one that decided to break randomly, something a little cheaper, no 3D... y'know, things like that? I mean, my dad already has Google TV, a Blu-ray player, a Bose sound system with DVD/FM/AM/CD/AUX player.... but noooo, he bought a 65" tv.
I kinda have to ask where all this money comes from...
I guess I'll spend some time writing stories now, or work on that 100 Themes writing prompt thing I started like, last year... (which reminds me, I still have 100 Themes for art to do, don't I? XD I'm stuck on Atonement. I might change that word... OH WAIT. I think I thought of something. I'll have to scribble it down later)
Oscar goes in for a check up tomorrow... I'm actually hoping that tonight he poops in my sink so that we can bring it in to the vet to have checked (because he has on and off diarrhea, and its concerning me). The only other thing is that he's probably going to have to be manhandled in order to check on, because he can get quite vicious if he's touched the wrong way.
Which still doesn't explain why he bit my ass the other night... or attacked me while I was brushing my teeth.
I swear to god he's trying to kill me, and Nala can't fend him off for me ;^;
... well, now I'm bored. I think I'm going to go write some stories in the meantime.
OFF I GO.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
I just need a little space to vent for a minute.
I look forward to coming home and spending time with my family.
Just right now, I want to go back to school and just sit in my dorm room where I don't have to fucking worry whether my parents are actually going to split or not. Where I don't have to hear their arguments up in my room.
I'm canceling my plans for Wednesday and Thursday, just to make sure that my mom is okay.
... I'm looking forward to that therapy session when I get back to school.
I've been home for less than a fucking week, and I already have to deal with this shit again.
...
Its eerily quiet in my house right now.
I either want out, or I just want to sit and cry while listening to the rain hit my windows and wind break branches.
That was incredibly emo.
I apologize.
...
nope, nevermind. The argument continues.
I can't escape from my room either because, to be perfectly honest, I'm terrified.
Just right now, I want to go back to school and just sit in my dorm room where I don't have to fucking worry whether my parents are actually going to split or not. Where I don't have to hear their arguments up in my room.
I'm canceling my plans for Wednesday and Thursday, just to make sure that my mom is okay.
... I'm looking forward to that therapy session when I get back to school.
I've been home for less than a fucking week, and I already have to deal with this shit again.
...
Its eerily quiet in my house right now.
I either want out, or I just want to sit and cry while listening to the rain hit my windows and wind break branches.
That was incredibly emo.
I apologize.
...
nope, nevermind. The argument continues.
I can't escape from my room either because, to be perfectly honest, I'm terrified.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Laryngitis!
Anyways. I do sound different, I promise. XD
Thursday, December 8, 2011
An update.
So this week has been... interesting, to say the least.
On friday of last week, one of my fellow classmates got into a car accident around 2 AM (Saturday) and passed away. I didn't find out until much later that day (while I was working), and I was in complete shock about the entire thing. I didn't want to believe it.
I... wish I had known him better. From what I knew (because he was in a couple of my classes), he was an AMAZING musician and person in general. He might have been quiet, but his presence lit up the room.
To see everyone so upset is so touching; to see an entire community so divided before suddenly become connected in ways you cannot imagine is amazing. I spent monday and tuesday of this week really depressed because of the whole thing... it has gotten to the point where I don't want to go to my 8 AM Flute Class tomorrow because he was in it. I spoke to him the morning he passed away. I was in awe how much he had improved on the flute, because a week before he couldn't make one note through it... and suddenly, while he was performing, there was a sound. He honest to god worked at everything he did. and it paid off. Regardless, I don't want to go to the class, because I know what will happen: I'll cry. He won't be there.
On tuesday, I was standing around in what we call Brass Alley here at Ithaca, and out of nowhere the old Tuba Professor was standing there talking to his old Tuba and Euphonium studio. It dawned on me then that he had posted a facebook status saying that he was going to come in to see his old studio... now, he was here teaching last year; he had an early retirement because his cancer came back, and he needed to get it removed and such. He taught the boy who died for two-three years.
What struck me then, as he walked away to meet the professor who was filling his spot, was that he, the professor, was not in good health. To have a student who was in perfect health and everything die before you... it must be such a sad feeling... and to not see him before he passed away for a couple of months... its just... its really sad.
I watched the professor stop in the middle of the hallway and lean up against a wall to rub his eyes and take a breather.
I cried.
I keep thinking that he is going to walk through those doors and be like, "Hey guys! I'm still here." and pick up his Euphonium and play with us in band. But I know that its not going to happen...
In his Honor, we played an arrangement of Amazing Grace (that I had part in) with our band (he was in it), and in Chorus, we are singing O Magnum Mysterium. ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nn5ken3RJBo ) YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO THAT IF YOU HAVE NEVER HEARD THIS VERSION. It was his favorite piece... everyone was having such a hard time trying not to cry while performing these pieces.
We left his seat empty and sitting there in band.
I just want you all to be safe this holiday season. Don't make stupid decisions and think before you do something. Don't make long trips that you know you can't make after either a long day or alone. Just don't do it.
Scratch that.
Be safe whenever you are driving. I know you can't control the world around you and what happens there, but at least you yourself will be a safe driver.
On friday of last week, one of my fellow classmates got into a car accident around 2 AM (Saturday) and passed away. I didn't find out until much later that day (while I was working), and I was in complete shock about the entire thing. I didn't want to believe it.
I... wish I had known him better. From what I knew (because he was in a couple of my classes), he was an AMAZING musician and person in general. He might have been quiet, but his presence lit up the room.
To see everyone so upset is so touching; to see an entire community so divided before suddenly become connected in ways you cannot imagine is amazing. I spent monday and tuesday of this week really depressed because of the whole thing... it has gotten to the point where I don't want to go to my 8 AM Flute Class tomorrow because he was in it. I spoke to him the morning he passed away. I was in awe how much he had improved on the flute, because a week before he couldn't make one note through it... and suddenly, while he was performing, there was a sound. He honest to god worked at everything he did. and it paid off. Regardless, I don't want to go to the class, because I know what will happen: I'll cry. He won't be there.
On tuesday, I was standing around in what we call Brass Alley here at Ithaca, and out of nowhere the old Tuba Professor was standing there talking to his old Tuba and Euphonium studio. It dawned on me then that he had posted a facebook status saying that he was going to come in to see his old studio... now, he was here teaching last year; he had an early retirement because his cancer came back, and he needed to get it removed and such. He taught the boy who died for two-three years.
What struck me then, as he walked away to meet the professor who was filling his spot, was that he, the professor, was not in good health. To have a student who was in perfect health and everything die before you... it must be such a sad feeling... and to not see him before he passed away for a couple of months... its just... its really sad.
I watched the professor stop in the middle of the hallway and lean up against a wall to rub his eyes and take a breather.
I cried.
I keep thinking that he is going to walk through those doors and be like, "Hey guys! I'm still here." and pick up his Euphonium and play with us in band. But I know that its not going to happen...
In his Honor, we played an arrangement of Amazing Grace (that I had part in) with our band (he was in it), and in Chorus, we are singing O Magnum Mysterium. ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nn5ken3RJBo ) YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO THAT IF YOU HAVE NEVER HEARD THIS VERSION. It was his favorite piece... everyone was having such a hard time trying not to cry while performing these pieces.
We left his seat empty and sitting there in band.
I just want you all to be safe this holiday season. Don't make stupid decisions and think before you do something. Don't make long trips that you know you can't make after either a long day or alone. Just don't do it.
Scratch that.
Be safe whenever you are driving. I know you can't control the world around you and what happens there, but at least you yourself will be a safe driver.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Haha, I have a blog, don't I?
I keep on neglecting to update my blog.
This is bad. Haha...
I didn't get the amount of artwork I wanted to get done over break. Oh well... I blame Assassin's Creed: Revelations. I bought it, and I had just a few hours to beat it, since my mom was upset that I bought a video game (claimed that I wouldn't "spend time with the family", so I was determined to beat it before the day of Thanksgiving... which did happen.) So many hours spent sitting on a couch, holding a Xbox 360 controller.
Anyways, I'm just going to briefly update this so I can go practice for another 30 minutes on my trombone.
Not like anyone reads this anyways. Ha.
... and I was reminded that I still have a 100 themes list going on. I should probably finish that.
Have I also mentioned how amazing Laser Printer paper is? And cardstock? So amazing. They're so smooth and nice to draw on... Ha. Haha... I'm going insane, I swear. I'm obsessed with paper and pens. Is that a bad thing?
I also managed to forget that I had a CAPS (the therapist) appointment today, and went to go practice instead. Stupid me... (/hits head). Oh well; I didn't get the voice message or phone call until it was too late to go to the appointment, so I sent them an apology email (since the phone number they gave me was incorrect ||D).
In the meantime, I'm going to go practice a little while longer, then go to my 4 PM class, and then... well, draw for a little while. Maybe I'll do some pictures for the 100 themes. I might change Atonement to a written theme though... because I'm having trouble coming up with a single picture idea. (Or perhaps I'll do a one page comic)...
And for those looking forward to the Bionicle Manga being brought back, I haz some questions:
1) I might switch it all to JUST digital. But it will still look like a sketch, maybe... would that be okay?
2) If I changed it to JUST the Beginnings story that I had posted on dA a looong time ago... would you all be upset? I feel odd doing a comic on the existing story line, where as I will have more freedom to move around with the Beginnings, since TECHNICALLY I wrote it, with Bionicle characters in it. =|
3) If you would like to color pages if I decide to do just B&W, would anyone like to color it? I'll give you the account to Tahu_Sensei (he's not a real person XD he was created to bitch at people bitching on my comic page).
I keep on meaning to post the next page for it, I think... I might do a 4-Koma first, and then get back to it. Maybe.
I STILL NEED TO DO PAGES FOR THE OTHER TWO COMICS. AUUUGH. XD
... anyways, back to practicing.
ONWARDS.
This is bad. Haha...
I didn't get the amount of artwork I wanted to get done over break. Oh well... I blame Assassin's Creed: Revelations. I bought it, and I had just a few hours to beat it, since my mom was upset that I bought a video game (claimed that I wouldn't "spend time with the family", so I was determined to beat it before the day of Thanksgiving... which did happen.) So many hours spent sitting on a couch, holding a Xbox 360 controller.
Anyways, I'm just going to briefly update this so I can go practice for another 30 minutes on my trombone.
Not like anyone reads this anyways. Ha.
... and I was reminded that I still have a 100 themes list going on. I should probably finish that.
Have I also mentioned how amazing Laser Printer paper is? And cardstock? So amazing. They're so smooth and nice to draw on... Ha. Haha... I'm going insane, I swear. I'm obsessed with paper and pens. Is that a bad thing?
I also managed to forget that I had a CAPS (the therapist) appointment today, and went to go practice instead. Stupid me... (/hits head). Oh well; I didn't get the voice message or phone call until it was too late to go to the appointment, so I sent them an apology email (since the phone number they gave me was incorrect ||D).
In the meantime, I'm going to go practice a little while longer, then go to my 4 PM class, and then... well, draw for a little while. Maybe I'll do some pictures for the 100 themes. I might change Atonement to a written theme though... because I'm having trouble coming up with a single picture idea. (Or perhaps I'll do a one page comic)...
And for those looking forward to the Bionicle Manga being brought back, I haz some questions:
1) I might switch it all to JUST digital. But it will still look like a sketch, maybe... would that be okay?
2) If I changed it to JUST the Beginnings story that I had posted on dA a looong time ago... would you all be upset? I feel odd doing a comic on the existing story line, where as I will have more freedom to move around with the Beginnings, since TECHNICALLY I wrote it, with Bionicle characters in it. =|
3) If you would like to color pages if I decide to do just B&W, would anyone like to color it? I'll give you the account to Tahu_Sensei (he's not a real person XD he was created to bitch at people bitching on my comic page).
I keep on meaning to post the next page for it, I think... I might do a 4-Koma first, and then get back to it. Maybe.
I STILL NEED TO DO PAGES FOR THE OTHER TWO COMICS. AUUUGH. XD
... anyways, back to practicing.
ONWARDS.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Before I go to bed for the night
I was really exhausted earlier tonight... and I think the caffeine from my coffee at 4 PM kicked in again.
So I have some stories to share, since I don't feel like signing onto Skype at the moment just to share my laughter.
1) How a Text Message can make your night great.
I was sitting on my bed reading a webcomic or something (I forget which), and my roommate had JUST gone to sleep. Usually at night, I turn my phone off silent so I can hear the alarm in the morning; usually people don't send me texts.
So I was relaxing when my phone goes off (quite loudly, mind you... which brings the question: why is the volume on max? >.>). Confused, I look at the text message and it reads... "<333" from one of the trombonists in my studio.
Needless to say, I was completely baffled (for multiple reasons). So I wasn't going to respond, but I figured that he probably sent that text to the wrong person... so I texted him back saying "J*****, you do realize you just sent me a text message with hearts in it... right?"
And I waited.... and for my sake, I will continue posting him as J and write the rest of the conversation in script format:
J: Yes. Yes I am. I'm sucking up to you
Me: ... what.
J: Have you committed your extra grab and go to anyone for tomorrow?
And at that point, I did a major facepalm and just LAUGHED. Grab and Go is a thing that our school does around lunchtime; one of the dining halls (from 10:30-4ish) has a system where students can go into a part of the dining hall to make a bagged lunch and eat anywhere on campus (lunches usually consist of Pizza/Sandwich/Wrap, two containers of Jello/Yogurt/Pudding/Pasta Salad/Couscous/etc, a soup, dessert, piece of fruit, and a drink), and you can grab anything you want and GO. Its a cool thing.
Because I have an unlimited meal plan, I can get two bagged lunches. Usually, before I leave the music school to grab my own lunch, I ask people from my studio if they would like me to grab them some food. It started with one person (who bought me outlining pens as a thank you), and the whole thing has almost spread through the entire studio XD
I've been called the "Mother Theresa of the Trombone Studio", which makes me giggle a bit. The original person who I was doing this for, ending up catching after I got my own lunch, so I gave him my cell number so he could text me in advance when he would like me to get him some food.
So today, I called J because one of my friends needed her car jumped (we got stuck quite a distance away from campus today XD We had something to do for one of our classes), so I guess he remembered that he had my cell number and decided to ask me to get him lunch. XD
So the conversation continues:
Me: Pffft, no not yet. Do you want me to get you lunch tomorrow?
J: <333333
I just found the entire thing hysterical.
Of course, then I remembered AFTER I told him I would get him some food that Grab and Go was closed tomorrow, since Thanksgiving Break starts tomorrow (aka, the Dining Hall workers are going off early).
So I felt bad for like... telling him that.
Its a good thing he laughed it off.
... can you guess why I was so confused by the hearts? (why yes, I did like him at some point. He's a very attractive person, and VERY tall. Its unfortunate that I'm not his type ;^; Oh well. There's other fish in the sea, right? ) I did find the whole thing funny though. I did seriously think though that he texted the wrong person at first XD
2) I nearly lost it in Band the other day.
We're playing this piece in band that has the trombonists (rather, the majority, if not ENTIRETY of the low brass section) sit out in SILENCE for 80 measures of rest in the beginning, and the close to 200 measures of rest RIGHT SMACKDAB in the middle. And guess which sections we were rehearsing? The ones we don't play in. \o/
I nearly went insane during that rehearsal. I was so bored.
So anyways, that's not the story I was going to tell.
There's around... 7 Tenor trombonists and 1 Bass (I'm Sixth chair) in the Symphonic Band. So, the guy who sits 5th Chair wasn't in that rehearsal (I think he was sick, which is unfortunate), so there was an empty seat between myself and the 4th chair. 4th chair dude at some point decided to rest his arm on the empty chair, so his hand was kind of dangling in the air (... that probably made no sense. Pretend you understand). So, 3rd chair starts motioning some sort of.... I don't know, cryptic message to me.
At first, I thought I wasn't the only one losing it.
After about 20 minutes of trying to figure out what he was saying, I figured it out: he was telling me to grab 4th's hand.
Unless he was trying to set us up (which I highly doubt), I kind of gave him the O_o look, and had to try and explain that a) I was a chick and b) 4th is a dude. Girl grabbing guy's hand = unwarranted signals. Besides, it would have been hilarious if 3rd did it, but it would have been just plain awkward for me.
4th is the guy who let me have the solo in one of our pieces for Trombone Troupe the other night, btw. It made me happy. He's a very sweet person (at least, from what I can tell).
3) I'm insane.
I'm taking 18.5 credits for the Spring 2012 semester ||D I have to pay money for that extra .5 credit though... we have a maximum of 18 credits per semester. FML.
Anyways, I got all the classes I wanted, so that's the good news.
Except for that chem class. I'm a little upset by that... oh well.
4) ... there was another story. I got too caught up in the moment about the text message one. XD
W/e.
Off to bed with me! Sleep, how I miss you.
So I have some stories to share, since I don't feel like signing onto Skype at the moment just to share my laughter.
1) How a Text Message can make your night great.
I was sitting on my bed reading a webcomic or something (I forget which), and my roommate had JUST gone to sleep. Usually at night, I turn my phone off silent so I can hear the alarm in the morning; usually people don't send me texts.
So I was relaxing when my phone goes off (quite loudly, mind you... which brings the question: why is the volume on max? >.>). Confused, I look at the text message and it reads... "<333" from one of the trombonists in my studio.
Needless to say, I was completely baffled (for multiple reasons). So I wasn't going to respond, but I figured that he probably sent that text to the wrong person... so I texted him back saying "J*****, you do realize you just sent me a text message with hearts in it... right?"
And I waited.... and for my sake, I will continue posting him as J and write the rest of the conversation in script format:
J: Yes. Yes I am. I'm sucking up to you
Me: ... what.
J: Have you committed your extra grab and go to anyone for tomorrow?
And at that point, I did a major facepalm and just LAUGHED. Grab and Go is a thing that our school does around lunchtime; one of the dining halls (from 10:30-4ish) has a system where students can go into a part of the dining hall to make a bagged lunch and eat anywhere on campus (lunches usually consist of Pizza/Sandwich/Wrap, two containers of Jello/Yogurt/Pudding/Pasta Salad/Couscous/etc, a soup, dessert, piece of fruit, and a drink), and you can grab anything you want and GO. Its a cool thing.
Because I have an unlimited meal plan, I can get two bagged lunches. Usually, before I leave the music school to grab my own lunch, I ask people from my studio if they would like me to grab them some food. It started with one person (who bought me outlining pens as a thank you), and the whole thing has almost spread through the entire studio XD
I've been called the "Mother Theresa of the Trombone Studio", which makes me giggle a bit. The original person who I was doing this for, ending up catching after I got my own lunch, so I gave him my cell number so he could text me in advance when he would like me to get him some food.
So today, I called J because one of my friends needed her car jumped (we got stuck quite a distance away from campus today XD We had something to do for one of our classes), so I guess he remembered that he had my cell number and decided to ask me to get him lunch. XD
So the conversation continues:
Me: Pffft, no not yet. Do you want me to get you lunch tomorrow?
J: <333333
I just found the entire thing hysterical.
Of course, then I remembered AFTER I told him I would get him some food that Grab and Go was closed tomorrow, since Thanksgiving Break starts tomorrow (aka, the Dining Hall workers are going off early).
So I felt bad for like... telling him that.
Its a good thing he laughed it off.
... can you guess why I was so confused by the hearts? (why yes, I did like him at some point. He's a very attractive person, and VERY tall. Its unfortunate that I'm not his type ;^; Oh well. There's other fish in the sea, right? ) I did find the whole thing funny though. I did seriously think though that he texted the wrong person at first XD
2) I nearly lost it in Band the other day.
We're playing this piece in band that has the trombonists (rather, the majority, if not ENTIRETY of the low brass section) sit out in SILENCE for 80 measures of rest in the beginning, and the close to 200 measures of rest RIGHT SMACKDAB in the middle. And guess which sections we were rehearsing? The ones we don't play in. \o/
I nearly went insane during that rehearsal. I was so bored.
So anyways, that's not the story I was going to tell.
There's around... 7 Tenor trombonists and 1 Bass (I'm Sixth chair) in the Symphonic Band. So, the guy who sits 5th Chair wasn't in that rehearsal (I think he was sick, which is unfortunate), so there was an empty seat between myself and the 4th chair. 4th chair dude at some point decided to rest his arm on the empty chair, so his hand was kind of dangling in the air (... that probably made no sense. Pretend you understand). So, 3rd chair starts motioning some sort of.... I don't know, cryptic message to me.
At first, I thought I wasn't the only one losing it.
After about 20 minutes of trying to figure out what he was saying, I figured it out: he was telling me to grab 4th's hand.
Unless he was trying to set us up (which I highly doubt), I kind of gave him the O_o look, and had to try and explain that a) I was a chick and b) 4th is a dude. Girl grabbing guy's hand = unwarranted signals. Besides, it would have been hilarious if 3rd did it, but it would have been just plain awkward for me.
4th is the guy who let me have the solo in one of our pieces for Trombone Troupe the other night, btw. It made me happy. He's a very sweet person (at least, from what I can tell).
3) I'm insane.
I'm taking 18.5 credits for the Spring 2012 semester ||D I have to pay money for that extra .5 credit though... we have a maximum of 18 credits per semester. FML.
Anyways, I got all the classes I wanted, so that's the good news.
Except for that chem class. I'm a little upset by that... oh well.
4) ... there was another story. I got too caught up in the moment about the text message one. XD
W/e.
Off to bed with me! Sleep, how I miss you.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Breaaaaak
Just two more days DX
And within that time, I have another paper to write and a hearing on friday. Which hopefully I can get the two-on-three rhythmic pattern down in time... and the 10/8 rhythm....
And then its break! \o/
I shall get lots of pictures done, which will be nice... I haven't drawn in like, a couple of days, so I'm excited...
anyways, I need to write a paper that's due tomorrow. I haven't even started it yet (nor have I finished the book... who gives fucking book reports in college? Really?)
Let the B.Sing of papers commence!
And within that time, I have another paper to write and a hearing on friday. Which hopefully I can get the two-on-three rhythmic pattern down in time... and the 10/8 rhythm....
And then its break! \o/
I shall get lots of pictures done, which will be nice... I haven't drawn in like, a couple of days, so I'm excited...
anyways, I need to write a paper that's due tomorrow. I haven't even started it yet (nor have I finished the book... who gives fucking book reports in college? Really?)
Let the B.Sing of papers commence!
Monday, November 7, 2011
This is what happens when I'm writing a term paper.
I've decided to try and push the entire thing with that boy away.
I can't be bothered by something like that right now... I really can't.
As much as I like him, I don't want to step on any toes. I don't want to pull him aside and tell him to stop talking to me, because I get the feeling he'll tell me that its just who he is: touchy-feely and just very friendly.
So I'm not going to think about it too much and move on with my life. Eventually something will happen.
... ugh, hold on, a song came up on my pandora that I detest...
Well, I'm not a big fan of Adele, but this'll do (considering it's titled "Someone Like You"... ha, funny how it fits, right?).
As I'm writing this, I have a newfound love for my character Lance again... he was, really, the first original character that was pretty damn good looking. And yet, despite his looks, he's seemed to have troubles with love and stuff like that. He's had a bunch of girlfriends in the past, but they all used him just to get what they want, and then they leave him behind. When he thought he found the one, she turned away and went to marry the man of her dreams, and his current love disappeared.
So to an extent, I kind of identify myself with him... I dunno why. Just with the way I feel towards romance at the moment. I'm not against it, I'm totally open to it, and I fall for practically anything... but something always turns me away. Doesn't matter if its rejection or if he has a girlfriend or whatnot.
So, tl;dr?
I'm trying to get over the guy in the post prior to this.
So, onto the why.
Because he has a girlfriend. I did (and this is going to sound so bad) some facebook stalking to see how long he and his girlfriend have been together, and its been over 2 years. So me being me, I feel bad for liking a guy who has been in a relationship that has not only lasted that long, but is a long-distance one at that. Not to mention that she posts on his wall every five minutes (not literally). In the end, it seems unlikely that they will break up (not that I was hoping for it to happen). And deep inside, its rather cute to see that a relationship is flourishing even though they're miles and hours apart.
In the long run, it really doesn't matter much. I should stop worrying about that and just... move on.
I have a term paper about Tchaikovsky to finish. However, it doesn't help the fact that all my sources mention that he's gay and his love life completely sucked.
I'm tired... I should like, finish doing what I'm doing and go to bed, and write what I can tomorrow during my breaks.
Le sigh.
I can't be bothered by something like that right now... I really can't.
As much as I like him, I don't want to step on any toes. I don't want to pull him aside and tell him to stop talking to me, because I get the feeling he'll tell me that its just who he is: touchy-feely and just very friendly.
So I'm not going to think about it too much and move on with my life. Eventually something will happen.
... ugh, hold on, a song came up on my pandora that I detest...
Well, I'm not a big fan of Adele, but this'll do (considering it's titled "Someone Like You"... ha, funny how it fits, right?).
As I'm writing this, I have a newfound love for my character Lance again... he was, really, the first original character that was pretty damn good looking. And yet, despite his looks, he's seemed to have troubles with love and stuff like that. He's had a bunch of girlfriends in the past, but they all used him just to get what they want, and then they leave him behind. When he thought he found the one, she turned away and went to marry the man of her dreams, and his current love disappeared.
So to an extent, I kind of identify myself with him... I dunno why. Just with the way I feel towards romance at the moment. I'm not against it, I'm totally open to it, and I fall for practically anything... but something always turns me away. Doesn't matter if its rejection or if he has a girlfriend or whatnot.
So, tl;dr?
I'm trying to get over the guy in the post prior to this.
So, onto the why.
Because he has a girlfriend. I did (and this is going to sound so bad) some facebook stalking to see how long he and his girlfriend have been together, and its been over 2 years. So me being me, I feel bad for liking a guy who has been in a relationship that has not only lasted that long, but is a long-distance one at that. Not to mention that she posts on his wall every five minutes (not literally). In the end, it seems unlikely that they will break up (not that I was hoping for it to happen). And deep inside, its rather cute to see that a relationship is flourishing even though they're miles and hours apart.
In the long run, it really doesn't matter much. I should stop worrying about that and just... move on.
I have a term paper about Tchaikovsky to finish. However, it doesn't help the fact that all my sources mention that he's gay and his love life completely sucked.
I'm tired... I should like, finish doing what I'm doing and go to bed, and write what I can tomorrow during my breaks.
Le sigh.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
So what do you do...
Let me get one thing out before I continue: I don't drink. I am a firm believer in the "No drinking until 21", but I'm not opposed to those who do drink under age. As much as I don't believe it's right, I don't fight people about it. I also have other reasons as to why I don't drink, but I won't go into detail about it.
Anyways... so, I'm making an effort to actually leave my room this year and not be a complete hermit (its actually a little funny to see peoples' reactions to me being at a party). I usually carry around a water or a soda just so I don't get dehydrated. So yeah...
Then there's this guy. In the past, like for a while now, I've been making a big deal about no dating. I'm not interested in it, nor do I want to be in one. But that doesn't mean I'm closed off to it or I'm against romance (as a matter of fact, for those who know me well, most of what I do is romance XD).
So this guy... I had a crush on him last year. Up until the point that my friend (who's friends with him) told me he has a girlfriend. So automatic "no touchy". But that didn't stop me from thinking he's cute. Because he is.
Me being me, I'm dressed in jeans and a pull over thingy with a dark-colored cami under it. I'm that awesome. I don't get overly dressed up for these things... I mean, everyone is drunk. SO ANYWAYS, this boy sees me, waves at me, and then walks over to me. And talks to me. Like.... yeah. It took me a while to convince him that I've only been at my school for two years and that I wasn't a senior.
I still think he was slightly drunk, but he insisted that he'd only had about 1-2 beers and wasn't tipsy at all. ... I didn't believe him, but that's okay.
So red flag number one: while talking, he only really spoke to /me/, and no one else around me.
Red flag number two: while talking to me, he would lean really close so that there wasn't much space between us.
Now, I had to ask myself if I had friended him on Facebook (I hadn't), and I was curious to see if he still had a girlfriend. But me being me, I was still being cautious and not stepping over any lines. So I kept a casual conversation going. Then things started to get a little... weird for me, at least XD
At some point, he grabbed my arm (not like violently, like, reassuringly) and told me that he would be right back and that he had to go find his roommate and make sure that he was okay. So he smiled and slowly walked away. Me, I went, "O-okay."
I was a little upset that he walked away, and I continued being the wall-flower of the party and hung out by the light switch.
He eventually came back and continued to talk to me, and like... every time he went to go check on his roommate, he would touch some part of my arm or my back and reassure me that he was going to be right back and that I shouldn't go anywhere. And if I was going to leave, I should tell him.
I eventually left without saying goodbye because I had to take care of my own roommate, so yeah.... I ended up friending him on facebook and found out that he's still dating the same girl. Guess who did a major face-plant on her desk and grumbled about it for the next week?
A few weeks later (so this would have been exactly a week ago now), he was at another party that I was at. Of course, tonight I heard that people are spreading rumors about me AGAIN about me "sleeping with a freshman", which isn't true... someone misinterpreted the meaning of "Hey So-and-so, you ready to go?" BUT ANYWAYS, that's besides the point.
So, I saw him standing on the upper floor of this apartment, and I called up to him, and he told me to come up to talk to him. So I did...
Before I continue: what I was wearing. I was wearing this kinda-short-but-not-really black dress with a green scarf around my arms and a black little purse (I was dressed up as the complete opposite of me (aka, a vocalist, according to my roommate)). My dress was sleeveless and kind of a halter-top, and was extremely low cut (... well, it like.... ... I can't describe dresses well, can I?)
Now, said boy and I were talking for a little while. Somewhere in the midst of him talking, he kind of stared at me and went, "Wow, you look really nice tonight."
I had no idea how to react, so I did my best to smile nicely and reply with a pleasant "thank you~"
Then, a couple of his friends walked by, and he was all, "Well, I'm going to hit another two parties... but I'll be back!" And proceeds to place a hand on my shoulder. He keeps his hand there and just kind of... rubs my shoulder. And his smiiiile. His genuine smile DX
Killer. KILLER. KIIIIILLLLER. The bitch in me was screaming to make a move, but I knew better. I'm not going to be like, "DUDE, IWANTTOMAKEOUTWITHYOU" and jump all over him. I just smiled and giggled and shit like that. I'm not going to cross over any lines, no matter HOW bad I want to.
So, as he's leaving, he turns to me and goes, "You have my cell number, right?" and I'm like, "Yeeaah... yes! We exchanged numbers a while back because I was joking how I would text you at like, 3 in the morning about how bored I was and how I wouldn't be able to sleep!" (true fact! I never did text him, btw.) And he's all, "Well, if I don't see you again... text me so I know, and like... (pause) You look really nice tonight."
I swear to god that if the lights were on, he'd see how much I was blushing.
So, he ended up coming back, just as the party was like, ending (because the house was being written up for being loud), and he came over and talked to me. He wouldn't stop telling me how nice I looked and wouldn't /stop/ touching me. Like... he had to be touching my shoulder or my arm, or my back.
I believe I failed to mention that every time he went to go somewhere without me, his hand would like, sliiiiide off my arm or back.
So onto part 3 of this story... on thursday, I walked by him in the hallway with the friend that was mentioned earlier on in this rant (the one who told me he was taken already). Of course, my friend walks up to him and like, air humps him. And he takes it (they've been friends for years, so I suppose that its okay to do this?), and I'm just standing there laughing.
He walked by me after, and like.... touches/rubs my arm as he passes.
And I freak out XD (not really, just like.... asfasd)
I had explained the situation to his friend (we're like, besties right now, so all's good), and asked him if he was a flirty drunk, to which he responded "I dunno, actually... I've only been around him once while he was drunk, and I was drunk too, so I wouldn't know :D"
The whole thing is driving me crazy. And it shouldn't really.
But like... what's bothering me is the fact that whenever he and I are at a party, he has to be touching me. And he has a girlfriend. So I so BADLY want to be like, "Dude, I want to like... kiss you so bad right now." But I can't. I'm not that type of person.
a) I don't want to cause a problem with him and his girlfriend.
b) I don't randomly go up to guys I like and kiss them.
c) I'm not a biddy. (if you have no idea what that is, look it up on UrbanDictionary XD) (.. or is it bitty? One of the two.)
I've talked to close friends about this, and some of them say that he's just a friendly person. Very few say that he likes me (the like-like). A couple say that he's just flirtatious.
I've been down this road before... and I HATE being down this road. Can I for ONCE find a guy who's NOT taken and I want to have these feelings for? XD God hates me, I swear. Quit throwing me curveballs, seriously.
I'm not making any moves, I swear. And I'm trying not to over analyze this.... it just bugs me that he has a girlfriend and is just... touching me. Unless a shoulder rub means that he's being friendly, then I'm a completely screwed up person. Or touching my lower back (not the butt).
I really really really want to believe he's being friendly. I really do. Maybe I'm just letting my own feelings get in the way again. Maybe I'm just a poor, confused person. Maybe I just like the idea that a guy is talking to me. And like, doesn't feel uncomfortable with me acting like a kid (which usually comes around as flirting to some people).
... WHAT THE HELL. That whole thing about people thinking I'm going out with a freshman kind of annoys me DX I'm tired of rumors being spread about me, really ;^;
First its me being a slut, and now the slut rumor is coming back... (long story short, some douche bag last year was telling people I slept with my ex, and then wanted to sleep with him...) I dunno. I hope it passes. This isn't fucking high school, people. And if they knew me, they would know that a) I'm not into guys younger than me and b) I don't randomly hook-up with people and c) I'm not that person -_-.
Dude, I haven't even had sex with anyone yet... then again, only certain people know that. I'm not afraid to admit it either... I'm just surprised people think that about me. Oh well. I just shouldn't go to social parties like that again for a while.
....
God, as much as I love College, I hate it at the same time. Mostly because some of the people here are still mentally high schoolers and spread rumors about others... mainly me. And I don't. Know. Why. What a way to start the weekend, right? =|
SO ANYWAYS.
What would you do about said boy? I'm not even sure if I like him and its just like... "Yaaaay, a guy is talking to meeeeee~~" or if its the friend vibe. I don't know. I confuse vibes a lot.
I need help.
I hope the counseling center here on campus gets back to me.
Anyways... so, I'm making an effort to actually leave my room this year and not be a complete hermit (its actually a little funny to see peoples' reactions to me being at a party). I usually carry around a water or a soda just so I don't get dehydrated. So yeah...
Then there's this guy. In the past, like for a while now, I've been making a big deal about no dating. I'm not interested in it, nor do I want to be in one. But that doesn't mean I'm closed off to it or I'm against romance (as a matter of fact, for those who know me well, most of what I do is romance XD).
So this guy... I had a crush on him last year. Up until the point that my friend (who's friends with him) told me he has a girlfriend. So automatic "no touchy". But that didn't stop me from thinking he's cute. Because he is.
Me being me, I'm dressed in jeans and a pull over thingy with a dark-colored cami under it. I'm that awesome. I don't get overly dressed up for these things... I mean, everyone is drunk. SO ANYWAYS, this boy sees me, waves at me, and then walks over to me. And talks to me. Like.... yeah. It took me a while to convince him that I've only been at my school for two years and that I wasn't a senior.
I still think he was slightly drunk, but he insisted that he'd only had about 1-2 beers and wasn't tipsy at all. ... I didn't believe him, but that's okay.
So red flag number one: while talking, he only really spoke to /me/, and no one else around me.
Red flag number two: while talking to me, he would lean really close so that there wasn't much space between us.
Now, I had to ask myself if I had friended him on Facebook (I hadn't), and I was curious to see if he still had a girlfriend. But me being me, I was still being cautious and not stepping over any lines. So I kept a casual conversation going. Then things started to get a little... weird for me, at least XD
At some point, he grabbed my arm (not like violently, like, reassuringly) and told me that he would be right back and that he had to go find his roommate and make sure that he was okay. So he smiled and slowly walked away. Me, I went, "O-okay."
I was a little upset that he walked away, and I continued being the wall-flower of the party and hung out by the light switch.
He eventually came back and continued to talk to me, and like... every time he went to go check on his roommate, he would touch some part of my arm or my back and reassure me that he was going to be right back and that I shouldn't go anywhere. And if I was going to leave, I should tell him.
I eventually left without saying goodbye because I had to take care of my own roommate, so yeah.... I ended up friending him on facebook and found out that he's still dating the same girl. Guess who did a major face-plant on her desk and grumbled about it for the next week?
A few weeks later (so this would have been exactly a week ago now), he was at another party that I was at. Of course, tonight I heard that people are spreading rumors about me AGAIN about me "sleeping with a freshman", which isn't true... someone misinterpreted the meaning of "Hey So-and-so, you ready to go?" BUT ANYWAYS, that's besides the point.
So, I saw him standing on the upper floor of this apartment, and I called up to him, and he told me to come up to talk to him. So I did...
Before I continue: what I was wearing. I was wearing this kinda-short-but-not-really black dress with a green scarf around my arms and a black little purse (I was dressed up as the complete opposite of me (aka, a vocalist, according to my roommate)). My dress was sleeveless and kind of a halter-top, and was extremely low cut (... well, it like.... ... I can't describe dresses well, can I?)
Now, said boy and I were talking for a little while. Somewhere in the midst of him talking, he kind of stared at me and went, "Wow, you look really nice tonight."
I had no idea how to react, so I did my best to smile nicely and reply with a pleasant "thank you~"
Then, a couple of his friends walked by, and he was all, "Well, I'm going to hit another two parties... but I'll be back!" And proceeds to place a hand on my shoulder. He keeps his hand there and just kind of... rubs my shoulder. And his smiiiile. His genuine smile DX
Killer. KILLER. KIIIIILLLLER. The bitch in me was screaming to make a move, but I knew better. I'm not going to be like, "DUDE, IWANTTOMAKEOUTWITHYOU" and jump all over him. I just smiled and giggled and shit like that. I'm not going to cross over any lines, no matter HOW bad I want to.
So, as he's leaving, he turns to me and goes, "You have my cell number, right?" and I'm like, "Yeeaah... yes! We exchanged numbers a while back because I was joking how I would text you at like, 3 in the morning about how bored I was and how I wouldn't be able to sleep!" (true fact! I never did text him, btw.) And he's all, "Well, if I don't see you again... text me so I know, and like... (pause) You look really nice tonight."
I swear to god that if the lights were on, he'd see how much I was blushing.
So, he ended up coming back, just as the party was like, ending (because the house was being written up for being loud), and he came over and talked to me. He wouldn't stop telling me how nice I looked and wouldn't /stop/ touching me. Like... he had to be touching my shoulder or my arm, or my back.
I believe I failed to mention that every time he went to go somewhere without me, his hand would like, sliiiiide off my arm or back.
So onto part 3 of this story... on thursday, I walked by him in the hallway with the friend that was mentioned earlier on in this rant (the one who told me he was taken already). Of course, my friend walks up to him and like, air humps him. And he takes it (they've been friends for years, so I suppose that its okay to do this?), and I'm just standing there laughing.
He walked by me after, and like.... touches/rubs my arm as he passes.
And I freak out XD (not really, just like.... asfasd)
I had explained the situation to his friend (we're like, besties right now, so all's good), and asked him if he was a flirty drunk, to which he responded "I dunno, actually... I've only been around him once while he was drunk, and I was drunk too, so I wouldn't know :D"
The whole thing is driving me crazy. And it shouldn't really.
But like... what's bothering me is the fact that whenever he and I are at a party, he has to be touching me. And he has a girlfriend. So I so BADLY want to be like, "Dude, I want to like... kiss you so bad right now." But I can't. I'm not that type of person.
a) I don't want to cause a problem with him and his girlfriend.
b) I don't randomly go up to guys I like and kiss them.
c) I'm not a biddy. (if you have no idea what that is, look it up on UrbanDictionary XD) (.. or is it bitty? One of the two.)
I've talked to close friends about this, and some of them say that he's just a friendly person. Very few say that he likes me (the like-like). A couple say that he's just flirtatious.
I've been down this road before... and I HATE being down this road. Can I for ONCE find a guy who's NOT taken and I want to have these feelings for? XD God hates me, I swear. Quit throwing me curveballs, seriously.
I'm not making any moves, I swear. And I'm trying not to over analyze this.... it just bugs me that he has a girlfriend and is just... touching me. Unless a shoulder rub means that he's being friendly, then I'm a completely screwed up person. Or touching my lower back (not the butt).
I really really really want to believe he's being friendly. I really do. Maybe I'm just letting my own feelings get in the way again. Maybe I'm just a poor, confused person. Maybe I just like the idea that a guy is talking to me. And like, doesn't feel uncomfortable with me acting like a kid (which usually comes around as flirting to some people).
... WHAT THE HELL. That whole thing about people thinking I'm going out with a freshman kind of annoys me DX I'm tired of rumors being spread about me, really ;^;
First its me being a slut, and now the slut rumor is coming back... (long story short, some douche bag last year was telling people I slept with my ex, and then wanted to sleep with him...) I dunno. I hope it passes. This isn't fucking high school, people. And if they knew me, they would know that a) I'm not into guys younger than me and b) I don't randomly hook-up with people and c) I'm not that person -_-.
Dude, I haven't even had sex with anyone yet... then again, only certain people know that. I'm not afraid to admit it either... I'm just surprised people think that about me. Oh well. I just shouldn't go to social parties like that again for a while.
....
God, as much as I love College, I hate it at the same time. Mostly because some of the people here are still mentally high schoolers and spread rumors about others... mainly me. And I don't. Know. Why. What a way to start the weekend, right? =|
SO ANYWAYS.
What would you do about said boy? I'm not even sure if I like him and its just like... "Yaaaay, a guy is talking to meeeeee~~" or if its the friend vibe. I don't know. I confuse vibes a lot.
I need help.
I hope the counseling center here on campus gets back to me.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
So you know...
I've been meaning to update this for a while now.
I kept on forgetting... I apologize.
So yeah. For those who don't know (and if I didn't clearly state in my previous entry), my parents bought me the student edition of Photoshop CS5.
I can't tell you how excited I am to be able to use the program again... I needed it for a project at first, so now I just have it.
OH. For those who want to see what its being used for, go and watch my concert this saturday at 8:15 (EST)!
Here's the link for the live webcast: http://www.ithaca.edu/music/live/
I believe that a link will appear by the first date there (the Symphonic Band and Jazz Band) on saturday. So please watch and tell me what you think!!! I won't be playing in one of the movements of our first piece, just because I will be working my presentation. Hopefully everything will run smooth... (it didn't today).
Uhm... anyways, even though its like, 12 AM, I should probably go look over some of my stuff for class tomorrow... I'll ttyl!
I kept on forgetting... I apologize.
So yeah. For those who don't know (and if I didn't clearly state in my previous entry), my parents bought me the student edition of Photoshop CS5.
I can't tell you how excited I am to be able to use the program again... I needed it for a project at first, so now I just have it.
OH. For those who want to see what its being used for, go and watch my concert this saturday at 8:15 (EST)!
Here's the link for the live webcast: http://www.ithaca.edu/music/live/
I believe that a link will appear by the first date there (the Symphonic Band and Jazz Band) on saturday. So please watch and tell me what you think!!! I won't be playing in one of the movements of our first piece, just because I will be working my presentation. Hopefully everything will run smooth... (it didn't today).
Uhm... anyways, even though its like, 12 AM, I should probably go look over some of my stuff for class tomorrow... I'll ttyl!
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Super stressed...
Its gotten to the point where I'm literally like... crying every couple of minutes.
I feel like I'm breaking... completely falling apart. I know where my goal is, and I want to be there so bad... I'm climbing so high, but I can feel my grip slipping. I'm so close to the top, I don't want to just slide on down to the bottom... and then an avalanche hits.
I literally just got off of a break that really didn't exist... and I'm still super stressed. I might take a sick day at some point... even though I can't really afford it.
I don't know what to do.
Maybe I'll finish what I'm doing and go to sleep...
and maybe I'll seek out some help tomorrow, because... I feel like that's what I need. My friends are great, but I think its finally time I seek out some professional help from someone. There are places here on campus that I can go to... maybe I'll spend my lesson tomorrow just talking about places I can go to. I don't know.
... I feel cold, but my face is hot. I'm like a giant, walking contradiction at the moment. I want to cry, but I don't. I want to go back home, but I can't because I want to stay at school.
Maybe this is an extreme case of being homesick.
Or maybe I really am suffering from depression.
I don't know.
I feel like I'm breaking... completely falling apart. I know where my goal is, and I want to be there so bad... I'm climbing so high, but I can feel my grip slipping. I'm so close to the top, I don't want to just slide on down to the bottom... and then an avalanche hits.
I literally just got off of a break that really didn't exist... and I'm still super stressed. I might take a sick day at some point... even though I can't really afford it.
I don't know what to do.
Maybe I'll finish what I'm doing and go to sleep...
and maybe I'll seek out some help tomorrow, because... I feel like that's what I need. My friends are great, but I think its finally time I seek out some professional help from someone. There are places here on campus that I can go to... maybe I'll spend my lesson tomorrow just talking about places I can go to. I don't know.
... I feel cold, but my face is hot. I'm like a giant, walking contradiction at the moment. I want to cry, but I don't. I want to go back home, but I can't because I want to stay at school.
Maybe this is an extreme case of being homesick.
Or maybe I really am suffering from depression.
I don't know.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Welp.
I failed sax.
I literally just want to cry right now.
I worked my BUTT off on my music and scales and things... and make sure that I passes. Of course, the moment I get into the room, my fingers don't touch the right keys and I mess up... and all that jazz. Fuck. My. Luck.
And I seriously want to believe that if there's a god, he fucking hates me. He gives me ONE day of good luck, and then strips it away from me in a matter of seconds. And I'm kind of sick of it. I just... I just want ONE good thing to happen to me. That's all I ask for. ONE thing. Stop giving me bad luck and shitty days. I'm tired of being sick, miserable, and grumpy all the time...
In the meantime, I have two other exams to study for.
And a paper.
And a binder.
And 5000000 other things.
All I ask for is a little sleep... and that's not going to happen at this rate.
I literally just want to cry right now.
I worked my BUTT off on my music and scales and things... and make sure that I passes. Of course, the moment I get into the room, my fingers don't touch the right keys and I mess up... and all that jazz. Fuck. My. Luck.
And I seriously want to believe that if there's a god, he fucking hates me. He gives me ONE day of good luck, and then strips it away from me in a matter of seconds. And I'm kind of sick of it. I just... I just want ONE good thing to happen to me. That's all I ask for. ONE thing. Stop giving me bad luck and shitty days. I'm tired of being sick, miserable, and grumpy all the time...
In the meantime, I have two other exams to study for.
And a paper.
And a binder.
And 5000000 other things.
All I ask for is a little sleep... and that's not going to happen at this rate.
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